Copperfield: "When I Snap My Fingers, My Zipper Will Open"

Went to Vegas last weekend and took in a David Copperfield show. Looks like the magic man has added a new trick to his repertoire. Of late, Copperfield has been inviting hot-looking women to join him on stage, where he promptly hypnotizes them, much to the amusement of the rest of the audience, who of course are "faced" already. Once Copperfield is ready to break the spell, he waves his arms smoothly in every direction and says, "And now... when I snap my fingers, my zipper will open!" And sure enough, that's what happened! Damn good thing Siegfried & Roy weren't in the arena...

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Harry Reid Voted Most Likely To Be The Next Congressman to Have A Larry Craig Moment

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) has been voted by Creepy People Magazine as the member of Congress "most likely to have a Larry Craig moment" in an overwhelming poll released late last night, as people were changing planes in airports all over the country. Reid, who has been making waves recently for his suggestion that the arson-induced wildfires in southern California were caused by global warming, was cited by the magazine as having a "creepiness ratio" of 10 - the highest possible score. He also scored highly on the "lack of manliness" scale, tallying a 9.5. Finally, Reid sealed the deal by receiving a 9.5 score for his nimble ability to Irish stepdance, which he gladly demonstrates whenever anyone asks him what the hell he's ever accomplished in Congress...

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Albus Dumbledore to Visit Iran

Master wizard Albus Dumbledore, his private life no longer a secret, is seeking refuge from the frenzy of tabloid journalists who have surrounded his Hogwarts castle in recent days. As a result, Dumbledore is reportedly planning to spend a few weeks in Iran, where he feels the media will be less likely to ask questions about his sexuality. Prior to arriving in Tehran, however, the 87-year-old Dumbledore plans on stopping in London, where he will hit a few discos before moving on to Iran...

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Feds Investigating Ellen for Dog-Crying Ring Ties

Federal prosecutors have named comedienne Ellen DeGeneres as a "person of interest" in their investigation of an alleged dog crying ring, our sources have learned. The alleged ring, which has drawn the interest of animal rights activists across the country, centers around a scheme in which dog owners appear in home-made videos alongside their pets. Suddenly, and without provocation, the dog owners begin blubbering hysterically into the camera. Many of the videos have been subsequently dubbed onto VHS and taken in secret to several local Blockbuster stores, where they are slipped onto the shelves in the Purgatory section located at the far remote corner of the store, right next to the one unrented copy of DeGeneres' debut film Mr. Wrong... Lead prosecutor Michelle Vick says it's too premature to say DeGeneres will be charged with any crime, but says the comic may have to be detained anyway just to get her to "stop slobbering all over the place because of her stupid dog..."

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GOP Candidates Spar Over Who Can Mention Reagan the Most

It was riveting theater last night in Orlando as the Republican presidential hopefuls traded jabs in a spirited competition to see who could mention former president Ronald Reagan's name the most. Former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney (whose last name in French means Kerry) walked away with the honors, invoking the late president's name on five separate occasions. Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee was second, mentioning Reagan's name three times, while John McCain and Rudy Guiliani each mentioned his name twice. Ron Paul, the maverick candidate running on an anti-war platform, was the lone candidate not to mention Reagan's name at all - but he did pay homage to the late Ray Walston, former star of TV's My Favorite Martian...

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Newly Designated Historical District Not Known For Anything in Particular

Main Street in downtown Garrettville, Illinois was recently designated a historical district by the Historical Designation Society of America. The town of approximately 7,000 people proudly held a ceremony last weekend for the official posting of the street sign proclaiming their new status. However, there are serious questions being raised about the validity of this new honor, and these questions appear to be legitimate. In walking up and down Main Street repeatedly, it is simply hard to draw the conclusion that there is anything historical at all about the district. In fact, it looks like just another hick town in Anywhere, USA, with the exception of a couple of lame antique shops and a coffee house that sells stale pastries. In fact, if you stop at the town's Chamber of Commerce for a brochure about the area, you'll find that there's really nothing to do there at all. In fact, I was so bored after an hour that I stopped in the local liquor store, stocked up on a couple of fifths of Jim Beam, and got seriously FACED!!! I woke up the next morning in a little alleyway behind the local market, and I was STILL bored!!!! The bottom line is: THIS TOWN SUCKS AND I'M NEVER GOING BACK...

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Dalai Lama Obtains Restraining Order Against Richard Gere

Here is the official statement from His Spiritualness Himself, the Dalai Lama:

"It is with a very heavy heart that I inform you that I have applied for and have been granted a restraining order on one Richard Gere of Los Angeles, California. As the world knows, I have grown close with Richard over the past several years, and consider him to be a well-intentioned, good-hearted person. His karma is definitely in the right place. However, Richard just doesn't seem to understand that even the Dalai Lama needs a little space from time to time... I have traveled from mountain top to mountain top in seek of a little solitude in order to pray and seek a higher state of consciousness. But it seems like every mountain top I visit, there's old Richard sitting Indian-style, eyes closed, hands outstretched to the side, as if he's trying to catch the breeze in his hands. Of course, when he sees me, he leaps to his feet and runs over to me, rubbing my bald scalp and tugging at my cloth. It's FREAKING ANNOYING, DAMN IT!!! Get a FREAKING GRIP, would ya, Richard? You're a FREAKING ACTOR, for chris'sakes! Don't you have anything BETTER to do than to bug a little old bald man who doesn't even speak your FREAKING LANGUAGE??? Why don't you channel some of that energy into making BETTER MOVIES, for crying out loud!!! How about a "Mr. Goodbar" sequel or something? Geez, oh mighty, how do you expect to find any ENLIGHTENMENT when you're always KISSING UP TO ME???!!!! And don't get me started on all those GAY RUMORS.... Just BACK OFF, will you???!!!

Sincerely,

The Dalai Lama Himself

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Senator Larry Craig to Star in the Opening to "My Three Sons"

What if Sen. Larry Craig - he of bathroom stall fame - resigned from the Senate and then went into show business to appear in the opening to "My Three Sons," a remake of the old Fred MacMurray sitcom? Can't you see it? The film opens with with two animated pairs of feet, standing stationary, and then suddenly Craig's big size 12's enter the frame accompanied by the old show's familiar theme song... Da da da daaaaa... da da da daaaaa... At that point, Craig's feet start tapping to the music. Soon, his foot begins to nudge over closer to one of the other pairs of feet. Before long, Craig's foot starts tapping against the other foot... Ah, it's times like these I wish I were a cartoonist...

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Fat Researcher Questions Existence of Obesity Epidemic

Don't you love it when a porky-looking scientist talks ominously about the "growing" problem of obesity in the U.S.?

"Obesity in this country is reaching epidemic proportions," said Dr. Heath Barr of the UCLA School of Public Health as he struggled to swallow the Twinkie lodged inside his mouth.

But even more comical is the chubby researcher who questions the very existence of the problem:

"While no one is suggesting that it is good to be fat, there are indications that a little bit of excess weight is not going to harm anyone," said James Lard, a leading obesity researcher at Tulane University, who was spotted wheezing as he struggled to climb the half flight of stairs leading from his office to the nearest vending machine.

What's next, the scrawny, shriveled-looking professor who coughs up phlegm while preaching about the perils of smoking?

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Senate to Debate Merits of Oprah's Latest Book of the Month

In a burst of legislative productivity not seen since the days of the Great Depression, the U.S. Senate today convened an emergency session to debate the merits of daytime talk show queen Oprah Winfrey's latest Book of the Month, Silhouettes, the tome about a young girl, Ariana, who discovers her mother's diary in the attic after her death and is stunned to learn that Mom wasn't happy at times. Dabbing his eyes repeatedly during his big moment on the Senate floor, Sen. Arlen Spector (R-Pa) said, "Ariana's story has touched a nerve in all of us," and then quickly earmarked several million dollars for a new Borders to be constructed in Allentown. Spector was followed onto the Senate floor by Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nv), whose hands actually trembled as he talked about the book. "Moving," he said repeatedly in his patented whimpy, uninspiring voice. "Simply moving..."

The great citizens of America look forward to more legislative brilliance next week, when our distinguished Senators will wade into more controversial territory: a dispute between a truck driver, his lesbian ex-wife, and their babysitter, which aired recently on The Maury Povich Show...

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