The Obama Home Shopping Channel Makes Its Debut on NBC, CBS

Barack Obama's new home shopping channel made a successful debut on the eve of the election last week, and industry observers say a new day has dawned in the era of home shopping. "Obama has tapped into a whole new market simply by broadening the selection of merchandise offered to viewers," said Larry Wallet, a marketing executive with Inside Wallet Marketing. "Not only do Obama's programs allow people to shop for jewelry and fine clothes like all the others, it also provides free health care, tax credits, and even carbon credits for anyone willing to bend over and pay." Though Obama himself hosted the channel's launch last week on NBC and CBS, he plans on assuming more of a background role now that he has other pressing concerns to deal with. "By stepping up to the plate and hosting the first 30 minutes of The Barack Obama Home Shopping Channel, Obama has added much-needed legitimacy to the channel," said Wallet. "Now that it's off the ground, he can hand it off to one of his hacks and have them keep peddling the goods..."

No Plans For a "Hussein" Movie, Stone Says

Contrary to rumors that have been circulating throughout the blogosphere of late, Director Oliver Stone has no plans to make a movie entitled "Hussein," which chronicles the rise of Barack Obama. Stone received a great deal of scrutiny for his controversial film "W," which tells the story of George W. Bush's journey from drunken frat boy to leader of the free world, and it has been reported that Stone might follow that up with a similarly accurate, compelling portrayal about Obama's phenomenal rise to prominence. But Stone shot down those reports in a recent interview with Vietcong Boy magazine, in which he said, "There simply is no interest in it (an accurate Obama documentary). Everything that has been written and said about the man is already out there for public consumption, whereas with Bush, no one has ever said a word about how he used to drink a lot and how Dick Cheney is calling all the shots." Instead, Stone's future plans include an upcoming film about the life of conservative talk show king Rush Limbaugh, centering around reports that Limbaugh once assassinated his neighbor's kitten...

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McCain To Close Harlem Campaign Office

Citing sagging poll numbers, the McCain campaign has announced it is closing its Harlem campaign office in order to devote more resources into other locations where the Republican presidential candidate is more competitive. "We are in no way conceding the Harlem vote," said McCain campaign manager Reed Tweendelines. "We still feel we have a strong chance of making a good showing in that district. But with three weeks to go, we need to shift our focus a bit." One Harlem resident, Leroy Harris, lamented the McCain campaign's decision. "Sheeeeeit... Now I gots no place to spraypaint...."

Obama To Close Several Appalachian Offices

Barack Obama's strength in red states captured by George W. Bush in 2004 apparently doesn't extend to areas in Appalachia, as the Democratic candidate announced he is closing several campaign offices stretching from western North Carolina to West Virginia. Though polling data throughout the Appalachian region is incomplete, the vandalism at several rural Obama campaign offices, complete with nooses hanging from nearby trees and burning crosses out near the street, was enough to convince the Obama campaign to move out of those offices and focus on more competitive battlefields. Obama hasn't entirely written off the region however; he plans to attend the 15th annual Bluegrass festival in Bluefield, WV, being held this weekend. Obama's rationale for attending an event destined to be attended by bitter, clinging, rural people? "Hey, we're going to compete for every single vote in every single state - even places with fat rednecks who haven't bathed in months."

Critics Heap Praise on Stone's "Balanced" 'W'

Republican supporters of President George W. Bush who were bracing themselves for the worst when they heard that notorious film maker Oliver Stone was making a new movie about the president for release just a few weeks before the presidential election are now breathing a sigh of relief as early reviews out of Hollywood say the movie is fair and balanced. "Man, we thought it was going to be some kind of hatchet job, or something,"said Republican National Committee chairman Mike Duncan. "But Ollie makes some excellent points in the film." Said long-time Bush advisor Karl Rove: "It was like bracing for a hurricane and then getting a sprinkle. The movie was actually very compelling, and not at all biased." Finally, from the President himself: "I clearly misunderestimated Mr. Stone. I thought he was gonna serve up this movie that says I was the one who shot JFK or something. Turns out I had nothing to worry about. And I really liked how, in the end, Malcolm got over his hatred of white people." When informed that the movie Stone had made was called "W" and not "X," Bush said with a shrug, "Fuzzy letters."