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Obama Beats Out Homer Simpson for Nobel Peace Prize

2009-10-09T07:37:00.001-07:00

The Simpsons star Homer Simpson didn't try to mask his disappointment at being edged out for the Nobel Peace Prize by U.S. President Barack Obama. "That's what you get for working at a nuclear power plant," groused Homer as he watched Obama on television, accepting bouquets of flowers and giant fig leaf arrangements from adoring media zombies and world leaders across the globe. "A working class guy gets no respect," Homer sighed, and then resolved to someday get even with the president. "OK, if that's how he wants it, than we'll see him in 2012!" declared Homer. "If a guy like him can win the Nobel Prize after a week and a half on the job, then I sure as hell can become the next president! After all, who would you rather have as leader of the free world, a guy who won some sissy Nobel Peace Prize or an under-educated blue collar guy like me who can still figure out that you can't give 40 million more people health insurance without raising a ton of taxes or taking away insurance from others..."

Record Number of Atheists Gather in Church To Mourn Kennedy

2009-08-31T07:21:00.000-07:00

Observations on the passing of Ted Kennedy... Wow! I've never seen so many people who don't believe in God gathered in a church before... Oh - that's right, President Obama was there to deliver the eulogy... I don't know, my two cents worth is that Kennedy was certainly worth saluting. Forget about his anachronistic politics - anybody who survived 46 years in Congress deserves a tip of the hat... and certainly it's worth noting that this is the last flicker of the whole Camelot era, so to a degree I do get the media going bonkers over his death... But that Chappaquiddick thing is another matter... If the afterlife means your tab finally comes due, I'd say Teddy is probably already washing dishes.... Only a dishonest person could not conclude that he was guilty of vehicular homicide, and yet did not even spend an hour behind bars... Now that's F'd up. Had he spent even a few weeks or months behind bars, I think the whole incident would've ultimately wound up like water under the bridge -er, oops, uh, poor choice of words... The fact that Teddy went on to throw a hissy fit when Nixon was pardoned for covering up a burglary added a few additional "zeroes" to his tab... Speaking of paying up: I've always wondered how many "Benjamins" the Kennedys paid the Kopechnes not to talk about the incident... All to preserve a f-ing political career... Amazing....

In Major Policy Shift, U.S. Will Now Negotiate With Centaurs

2009-08-06T07:47:00.000-07:00

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? Check. Hugo Chavez? Check. Mythical Greek man-horse? Double check! Yes, it really is a new era in America diplomacy as the Obama administration has announced plans to re-open dialogue with its long time antagonist, the centaur.... OK, OK, so it's not really a centaur in the picture on the left... it's Vladimir Putin riding a horse without a shirt on... And OK, OK, we airbrushed out the horse's head... But it was for the horse's own good. After all, that guy in South Carolina is now out on bail... You know -- the guy who kept visiting that stable late at night before finally being caught in the act (By the way, is it not the height of irony that a man who likes to do it with a horse has to visit a place called a stable in order to get his action??? But I digress...)...

Boy George "Deeply Grateful" To Judge Who Sent Him To Jail

2009-01-27T12:18:00.000-08:00

Singer Boy George expressed his "deep gratitude" yesterday to New York City Circuit Judge Judy Jones for sending him to jail and said he was "excited" to begin serving his 60-day sentence in his "minimum security" cell at Attica State Penitentiary. . "It's every boy's dream," gushed the singer, whose hit songs with Culture Club included Do You Really Want To Hurt Me (answer: Yes), Karma Chameleon, and the unforgettable dance tune I'd Bend Over Backwards 4 U. "To do time in a cell full of violent, muscular criminals is a wish come true," said George, who added that he plans on "doing" more than just time during his jail stay. George did not seem upset that Attica prison officials will not let him don his trademark mascara and lipstick while behind bars. "Prison is the great equalizer," said George. "I know that I don't need to look pretty here. In fact, I'm not even planning on shaving." George will be allowed visitors during his stay, and already Massachusetts Congressman Barney Frank has made arrangements to stop by...

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Obama Summons Chief Justice Roberts Back Again; "Two Out of Three!"

2009-01-27T12:10:00.000-08:00

President Barack Obama apparently wants a rubber match with Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts. After Roberts decisively won their first swearing-in match on Inauguration Day by totally pummeling Obama with a downright dyslexic recitation of the oath of office, Obama rallied the next day with a smooth victory at the second swearing in, evening the season series at 1-1. Now Obama wants to settle the score once and for all, and has summoned Roberts back to the White House for a third and series-deciding swearing-in. But the 44th president may want to be careful what he wishes for; reports out of the Roberts camp say the Chief Justice has been training tenaciously, and is planning to stun Obama with a dizzying flurry of pig latin at their next swearing-in match...

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Alec Baldwin: "America Suddenly A Great Country Again"

2009-01-27T12:01:00.000-08:00

Count thespian Alec Baldwin among those feeling invigorated by Barack Obama's inauguration as the nation's 44th president. "It was a strange feeling, loathing my country for eight years and then suddenly loving it again," said Baldwin. "It's amazing how, just by the simple act of swapping politicians, this nation of 300 million people can go from being the scourge of the entire world to being a beacon of hope again." Baldwin claims he is now so bullish on America that he has put both his house in Vancouver and his bungalow in France for sale in light of Obama's inauguration, saying he's ecstatic to finally be "coming home." Baldwin was concilatory in other ways as well, even promising to never call his 12-year-old daughter a "selfish little pig" any more...

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Payless Shoe Store The Future Site For Bush Presidential Library

2008-12-18T20:46:00.000-08:00

A spokeswoman for Payless Shoes announced today that the Payless store in Midland, TX will be the future home of the George W. Bush presidential library. The spokeswoman, Anita Scholls, said construction will begin shortly after Bush leaves office next month and that the library will be completed by early 2010. Scholls emphasized that the entire store will not be dedicated to the Bush library, but instead a single aisle which currently features clearance items for big and tall men and also for dwarfs.

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Man Who Threw Shoe at Bush Says He "Missed It By That Much"

2008-12-18T20:33:00.000-08:00

The Iraqi man who made global headlines by throwing two shoes at President Bush during a recent press conference in Baghdad has now issued a statement about the incident. "Missed it by that much..." said the man, who now goes exclusively by the name "Agent 86." The man also said that CHAOS operatives continue to lurk among the general population in Iraq, but that they are easy to spot because they all travel about in their stocking feet...

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Hot-Selling Holiday Condom Named After Illinois Gov: Wii Fit

2008-12-18T20:23:00.000-08:00

Life isn't all bad for Rod Blagojevich. The embattled Illinois Governor has a new condom named after him: Wii Fit. The prophylactic has been flying off the shelves in stores all across America this holiday season, making it the top-selling condom of all time. Bruce Sizemore, an analyst with a marketing research firm in Chicago, says the mega sales of Wii Fit: The Condom has been nothing short of phenomenal. "We're learning more about penis size every day," said Sizemore, excitedly. "And, despite his legal troubles, we owe it to the Governor of Illinois for having the courage to step forward and become the public face of little dicks all across the country..."

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Colin Powell Spotted Putting Obama Bumper Sticker on Car - AFTER Election

2008-11-14T12:57:00.001-08:00

Back during the first Gulf War in 1991, Colin Powell exploded onto the national scene with his stirring, methodical summation of how the U.S. army was going to hunt down Iraqi forces and vanquish them, earning him such a reputation as a strong leader that he quickly became a presidential frontrunner for a chattering class looking for a new political star. The clamor for Powell for President reached a crescendo in 1995-1996, when he "came out of the closet" and announced he was a Republican, saying he had abandoned the Democratic Party because they were "bankrupt of new ideas." Virtually every poll conducted during that time period showed Powell convincingly beating Bill Clinton in a hypothetical matchup. And Powell parsed his words carefully when asked if he planned to run, saying he was "undecided." Finally, however, Powell meekly announced that "he didn't have the fire in his belly" for a presidential run, and receded into the public speaking circuit for a few years. Then, after becoming President George W. Bush's Secretary of State, he put forth a stirring, convincing performance at the United Nations Assembly about the need to remove Saddam Hussein from power, arguing that very credible intelligence showed Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. But when it ultimately became clear that the "very credible intelligence" was, er, wrong, Powell sheepishly became a regular on the television talk show circuit, arguing that "he never wanted to go to war in Iraq in the first place." Now, on the heels of his bold endorsement of Barack Obama - which came just a week before the election when most polls were showing Obama with an insurmountable lead over John McCain - Powell has topped even himself. The morning after the election, Powell marched boldly down to his car and confidently affixed an "Obama" bumper sticker to his rear bumper, and proceeded to drive off to the nearest Washington cocktail party...

Obama Plans "Post-Partisan" Investigations of the Bush Administration

2008-11-14T12:51:00.000-08:00

President-elect Barack Obama campaigned on a promise to govern in a "post-partisan" manner. And he appears poised to deliver on that promise - announcing yesterday that he plans on launching "100 investigations of the Bush administration in the first 100 days" -- or one investigation per day, for all you math whizzes out there... When asked by a sheepish reporter how the "100 investigations in 100 days" squares with his promise to rise above partisan politics, Obama smiled that dazzling smile and said, "You actually believed that shit???"

Life After Gitmo: Detainees Look Forward To Future After January 20 Release

2008-11-13T13:08:00.000-08:00

The 250 remaining prisoners at Guantanamo Bay , Cuba are marking their calendars in anticipation of January 20, 2009, the day their prison will be shut down for good and they will be released into freedom after years of torture and captivity under the Bush administration. In exit interviews with the detainees, many were anxious to discuss their future plans. Many planned to travel upon their release, while some hoped to return to their respective homes in the Middle East. Others, meanwhile, hoped to relocate to the United States and set up roots in various cities across the country, blending in with the other citizens and, hopefully, finding a good paying job. Some plan to go to college or vocational school; others hope to study aviation or to go into microbiology. And some plan to be entrepreneurs like Amal Allibbi, a 21-year-old Pakistani, who plans to set up his own flower boutique in San Francisco, near the Golden Gate Bridge...

David Duke Sees The Bright Side Of The Election: "Obama Also The First 'Half-White' President"

2008-11-04T18:38:00.000-08:00

David Duke is apparently unfazed by Barack Obama's remarkable ascendance to the U.S. presidency. In fact, the notorious former Klansman actually sees the glass as half-full. "Obama is the first half-white president," said Duke, tugging at the Confederate flag lapel on his shirt. "This is truly a historic milestone in the history of the good old U. S. of A.!"

McCain Accepts Defeat, But Still Shocked That Clay Aiken Is Gay

2008-11-04T18:33:00.000-08:00

John McCain was gracious in defeat on Tuesday night, and seemed to be dealing with his loss to Barack Obama quite well. However, McCain had a much more difficult time dealing with his emotions when asked about former American Idol runner-up Clay Aiken's recent announcement that he is gay. "I voted for Clay seven times," said the Arizona senator, his voice cracking. "I thought his cover version of 'Feelings' was one of the most poignant renditions I've ever heard. But my friends, I just can't accept the fact that he takes it up the you-know-what."

With Presidency Now Out of Reach, Clintons To Open Quaint Bed & Breakfast

2008-11-04T18:17:00.000-08:00

Barack Obama's election as the next U.S. President means that Hillary Clinton's aspirations to one day occupy the Oval Office are officially over, which immediately begged the question: what will the Clintons do next? Well, it didn't take long to find the answer. Within moments of Obama going over the magic 270 electoral vote threshold, thereby clinching the presidency, Bill and Hillary Clinton issued a joint statement, congratulating Obama on his victory - and then making the stunning announcement that they plan to open a quaint little Bed & Breakfast in the Washington, D.C. neighborhood of Georgetown, where the 42nd president once studied. "It'll be the kind of place where people can either sit in the reading room and take in all the literature glorifying our presidency, or easily walk to all the boutiques and shops along Wisconsin Avenue," said Mrs. Clinton. "And what better way to start the day than having Bill whip up one of his famous ham and cheese omlettes!"

The Obama Home Shopping Channel Makes Its Debut on NBC, CBS

2008-10-30T14:15:00.000-07:00

Barack Obama's new home shopping channel made a successful debut on the eve of the election last week, and industry observers say a new day has dawned in the era of home shopping. "Obama has tapped into a whole new market simply by broadening the selection of merchandise offered to viewers," said Larry Wallet, a marketing executive with Inside Wallet Marketing. "Not only do Obama's programs allow people to shop for jewelry and fine clothes like all the others, it also provides free health care, tax credits, and even carbon credits for anyone willing to bend over and pay." Though Obama himself hosted the channel's launch last week on NBC and CBS, he plans on assuming more of a background role now that he has other pressing concerns to deal with. "By stepping up to the plate and hosting the first 30 minutes of The Barack Obama Home Shopping Channel, Obama has added much-needed legitimacy to the channel," said Wallet. "Now that it's off the ground, he can hand it off to one of his hacks and have them keep peddling the goods..."

No Plans For a "Hussein" Movie, Stone Says

2008-10-30T13:52:00.000-07:00

Contrary to rumors that have been circulating throughout the blogosphere of late, Director Oliver Stone has no plans to make a movie entitled "Hussein," which chronicles the rise of Barack Obama. Stone received a great deal of scrutiny for his controversial film "W," which tells the story of George W. Bush's journey from drunken frat boy to leader of the free world, and it has been reported that Stone might follow that up with a similarly accurate, compelling portrayal about Obama's phenomenal rise to prominence. But Stone shot down those reports in a recent interview with Vietcong Boy magazine, in which he said, "There simply is no interest in it (an accurate Obama documentary). Everything that has been written and said about the man is already out there for public consumption, whereas with Bush, no one has ever said a word about how he used to drink a lot and how Dick Cheney is calling all the shots." Instead, Stone's future plans include an upcoming film about the life of conservative talk show king Rush Limbaugh, centering around reports that Limbaugh once assassinated his neighbor's kitten...

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McCain To Close Harlem Campaign Office

2008-10-15T11:39:00.001-07:00

Citing sagging poll numbers, the McCain campaign has announced it is closing its Harlem campaign office in order to devote more resources into other locations where the Republican presidential candidate is more competitive. "We are in no way conceding the Harlem vote," said McCain campaign manager Reed Tweendelines. "We still feel we have a strong chance of making a good showing in that district. But with three weeks to go, we need to shift our focus a bit." One Harlem resident, Leroy Harris, lamented the McCain campaign's decision. "Sheeeeeit... Now I gots no place to spraypaint...."

Obama To Close Several Appalachian Offices

2008-10-15T11:29:00.001-07:00

Barack Obama's strength in red states captured by George W. Bush in 2004 apparently doesn't extend to areas in Appalachia, as the Democratic candidate announced he is closing several campaign offices stretching from western North Carolina to West Virginia. Though polling data throughout the Appalachian region is incomplete, the vandalism at several rural Obama campaign offices, complete with nooses hanging from nearby trees and burning crosses out near the street, was enough to convince the Obama campaign to move out of those offices and focus on more competitive battlefields. Obama hasn't entirely written off the region however; he plans to attend the 15th annual Bluegrass festival in Bluefield, WV, being held this weekend. Obama's rationale for attending an event destined to be attended by bitter, clinging, rural people? "Hey, we're going to compete for every single vote in every single state - even places with fat rednecks who haven't bathed in months."

Critics Heap Praise on Stone's "Balanced" 'W'

2008-10-15T11:18:00.000-07:00

Republican supporters of President George W. Bush who were bracing themselves for the worst when they heard that notorious film maker Oliver Stone was making a new movie about the president for release just a few weeks before the presidential election are now breathing a sigh of relief as early reviews out of Hollywood say the movie is fair and balanced. "Man, we thought it was going to be some kind of hatchet job, or something,"said Republican National Committee chairman Mike Duncan. "But Ollie makes some excellent points in the film." Said long-time Bush advisor Karl Rove: "It was like bracing for a hurricane and then getting a sprinkle. The movie was actually very compelling, and not at all biased." Finally, from the President himself: "I clearly misunderestimated Mr. Stone. I thought he was gonna serve up this movie that says I was the one who shot JFK or something. Turns out I had nothing to worry about. And I really liked how, in the end, Malcolm got over his hatred of white people." When informed that the movie Stone had made was called "W" and not "X," Bush said with a shrug, "Fuzzy letters."

John Edwards to Reprise Robert Young Role in Big Screen Version of "Father Knows Best"

2008-08-07T07:25:00.000-07:00

Hollywood continues to crank out big screen adaptations of old TV sitcoms. The latest project Tinseltown is taking on is the Robert Young classic "Father Knows Best." The holdup, we're told, has been finding a leading man to assume the Young character of Jim Anderson. But the film's director, Quentin Tarrantino, is thinking outside the box in terms of casting, and has agreed in principle with former Democratic presidential candidate and devout family man John Edwards to reprise the Young role. "John will be perfect," said Tarrantino. "And we may even cast some of his real-life children in the film - from both his families..."

Paris Hilton All For More Drilling

2008-08-07T07:16:00.000-07:00

Lost in all the buzz caused by Paris Hilton's hilarious You Tube rebuttal to John McCain's campaign ad is the fact that Paris has admitted that she is all for more drilling. In fact, she has been heard with several people - most of them men - exclaiming, "Don't stop... please don't stop... Drill more... Keep drilling.... Yes!!!" Whether it's off-shore, on-shore, or Michael row the boat a shore, it doesn't matter to Paris. Just as long as they keep drilling.... and drilling... and drilling... And it's good that her position won't effect gas supply for several years, I might add.

"We Are The Ones That They Have Been Waiting in Line For"

2008-08-07T06:46:00.000-07:00

After listening to Barack Obama, it's impossible for even the staunchest of Republicans to come away unimpressed by his oratorical gifts. When it comes to communicating with the masses, the man has simply "got it" (just like Bush... uh...not)... However, it's worth noting that all the "Obamaisms" that are now at the forefront of our political lexicon - "Yes, we can," "Change you can believe in," "We are the ones we've been waiting for" - went through many early versions before settling into their final form.

For example, "Yes, we can," originated as a customer service ad for K-Mart. Not wanting to be accused of plagiarism, Obama experimented with many other off-shoots of "Yes, we can": "Yes, we will," "Yes, we might," and "Maybe we can, maybe we can't" were all under consideration before Obama realized that K-Mart was going belly-up so who cares... Also, "Change you can believe in" began in earnest as "I believe you can change in that room down the hall."

But perhaps no Obamaism went through as many renditions as the storied "We are the ones we've been waiting for." Now, in the spirit of full disclosure, I still don't know what the f&^* that means. I don't know about you, but anytime I've ever been with a group of people, we're usually waiting for someone else, not for those who are already there. Perhaps that's what they mean by "preaching to the choir..." At any rate, "We are the ones we've been waiting for" originally was written as "We are the world... and we've been waiting for Quincy Jones..." Then it was changed to "I am He as You are He as you are We and We are the ones we've been waiting for." But that seemed a little lengthy. The third stab produced this gem: "We are the ones that they've been waiting in line for." But none of these seemed as inspiring as "We are the ones we've been waiting for," and so it was - and the rest is history.

The long and sometimes torturous road to oratorical brilliance certainly has other precedents as well - after all, Paul McCartney's "Yesterday" began as "Scrambled Eggs." And no one cares much how Obama arrived at his genius. The important thing is that he indeed arrived.

Yes he did...

Is "The Dark Knight" Racist?

2008-08-07T06:35:00.000-07:00

Is "The Dark Knight" racist? Well, as they say: If the cape fits, wear it! I mean, the signs are everywhere. Gotham City... Daaaaark... Batman's outfit.... blaaaack... The bat cave... daaaark... The title of the movie... The Daaaaark Knight... I mean, come on people!!!! It's f-ing obvious!!! Get it??? Daaaaark Knight????... Gee I wish I had something better to do...

It's Still Not Over

2008-06-05T06:25:00.000-07:00

Barack Obama has reached the magical number of delegates needed to become the Democratic nominee for president. Hillary Clinton has said she will concede the nomination. But it's still not over. It will never be over, at least as long as people like Dr. Joseph E. Tuck are around. Tuck, for those not familiar with his name, is one of the leading plastic surgeons in Beverly Hills, and sources close to the Clinton campaign have said that Hillary Clinton has met on at least two occasions with Tuck in recent days, exploring the possibility of undergoing an incredible transformational procedure that will throw even more confusion into the Democratic nomination process. Obama aides are openly nervous about the nature of the discussions between Clinton and Tuck, and worry that they may be planning something on a scale of such magnitude that the entire Democratic National Convention held later in the summer in Denver will be thrown into a state of unprecedented turmoil...

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