See Span Blog

Obama Says He Was "Asleep" During Rev. Wright's Sermons

2008-04-04T08:48:00.000-07:00

Democratic presidential frontrunner Barack Obama is distancing himself further from the incendiary rhetoric of his pastor of 20 years, the Rev. Jeremiah Wright. Obama, somewhat sheepishly, admitted that every time he attends church, he falls asleep during the sermons - no matter who is delivering them. "I'm ashamed to admit that, yes, I tend to snooze during the sermon," said Obama, adding, "Particularly during sermons where the preacher is accusing the United States government of intentionally infecting an entire population with the AIDS virus... or when the preacher says that the murder of 3,000 civilians on 9/11 was justified... I mean, BOR-INGGGGG!!!"

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D.C. Labor Group Slams Spitzer for "Outsourcing" Hookers

2008-03-11T06:17:00.001-07:00

The firestorm surrounding disgraced former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer is now drawing the wrath of labor groups around the country as well. The District of Columbia Street Walkers Union (DCSWU) issued a statement condemning Spitzer's alleged hiring of a New York City call girl to escort him to Washington last month as a prime example of "outsourcing" of jobs. DCSWU president Hugh G. Rection said in the statement, "We've already seen the permanent damage that 'free trade' agreements like NAFTA have done to American workers. Now it appears that some are taking that next step and invoking hiring practices that will damage their neighboring states and cities. DCSWU would like to ask the Governor a simple question: what's wrong with D.C. hookers? By hiring a New York call girl and bringing her with him to our city - and paying her thousands of dollars in the process - he has deprived a call girl in Washington of the same opportunity. This act committed by Gov. Spitzer and others like him is simply anti-worker, anti-Washington D.C., and - hopefully - anti-bacterial...

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Former First Lady Clinton Says She'll Be "Ready on Day One" To Host Lunches

2008-03-11T06:12:00.000-07:00

Former First Lady and former Democratic presidential frontrunner Hillary Rodham Clinton continues to advance the notion that she, and not Democratic rival Barack Obama, will be "ready to lead on Day One," and cites her "35 years of experience" as proof to back up her claims. And let's face it: the evidence is pretty compelling. Given her eight years of experience in the White House, who else could possibly be ready on Day One to host a White House lunch?

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Obama Woos Crowd With Kick-Ass Rendition of "Love Me Tender"

2008-02-22T08:55:00.000-08:00

Surging Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama tantalized his audience in a sell-out performance in Dallas last night, when he took the stage with his Epiphone acoustic guitar and played a kick-ass version of "Love Me Tender." Women of all races and age groups swooned and fainted as Obama crooned the magical words, "...all my dreams fulfilled..." Large portions of "metrosexual" males in the crowd fanned themselves and shook their heads in wonder - and a few of them even fainted as well. When the song's final strains resonated through the ampitheater, the crowd of nearly 20,000 burst into a thunderous ovation, and most of them proceeded to take out their cigarette lighters as Obama left the stage, waving and shouting out what sounded to on-lookers like, "Hope!" or "Change!" or "Yes we can!"... A few minutes later, after the ovation reached a jet plane-like crescendo, Obama returned to the stage and played "Suspicious Minds" on the hamer dulcimer before being escorted by his entourage off-stage and into his awaiting limo... Tickets to Obama's show tonight in Houston reportedly sold out in less than an hour, and when asked if Obama was planning to add any more Texas dates to his schedule, a campaign staffer simply said, "Hope... so."

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Hillary Down - But Ruby Slippers Still Visible

2008-02-22T08:51:00.000-08:00

Well, the twister known as Obama has hit Hillary Clinton's campaign headquarters with a vengance, lifting the building high into the air and dropping it on the presidential candidate herself. While the former Democratic frontrunner does not appear to be moving, it has been noted that the ruby slippers she took with her when she checked out of the White House back in January 2001 are still securely on her feet, meaning that Obama's motorcade may accidentally find its way off that cliff yet...

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Down To His Last Gasp, Huckabee Considering Sawyer As Running Mate

2008-02-22T08:36:00.000-08:00

Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee, in a last-ditch attempt to wrest the Republican presidential nomination from Arizona Sen. John McCain, has announced that he will name former RAFT captain Tom Sawyer (R-Miss) as his running mate. It has long been speculated in political circles that Sawyer would make a perfect running mate for Huckabee, but nagging rumors about Sawyer's relationship with a Missouri lobbyist, Becky Thatcher, apparently have made Huckabee reluctant to embrace the charismatic former skipper of the RAFT team. However, Huckabee's campaign staff have conducted several interviews with both Sawyer and Thatcher, and have determined that, while Ms. Thatcher may have gone down on Sawyer once or twice, the relationship otherwise was fairly platonic... In a statement to reporters, Sawyer said, "If selected, I would be honored to serve with Mike Huckabee, and together we would lead a more determined effort to battle terrorism, by sending forces into the tribal regions along the Afghanistan-Pakistan border to find the most notorious criminal in the world... Injun Joe..."

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McCain Finally Gets Permission For Campaign Song: The Music From Cialis TV Spot

2008-02-22T08:13:00.000-08:00

Well, Sen. John McCain, the presumptive Republican presidential nominee, has finally gotten permission to use a popular tune as his official campaign song. In recent months, McCain has been publicly slapped down by John Mellancamp (formerly known as John Cougar Mellancamp and before that, John Cougar, and before that, The Artist Known As John Cougar) for using "Pink Houses" and "My Country" in campaign appearances. Then, McCain was shunned by the 70's Swedish dance group ABBA when he tried to use their song "Take A Chance" as his campaign song (Question of the Day: Shouldn't the likes of ABBA be GRATEFUL that ANYONE wants to even LISTEN to their anachronistic, disco ball-spinning, leisure suit-wearing, mullet hairdo-wearing CRAP, let alone USE IT AS THEIR CAMPAIGN SONG???). At any rate, after being rejected by ABBA, the McCain camp was grasping at straws. Some close to the Senator said they didn't need a campaign song.... Penny-pinchers within the campaign thought they should try to hire the (now grown) children who were once conned into singing the backing vocals to the Pink Floyd classic "Another Brick in the Wall" for free... Another line of thought was that they should play it safe and simply cough up the licensing fee to use Pat Boone's version of "Tutti Fruiti." But now, in the wake of the New York Times story hinting at a potential sex scandal involving McCain, a perfect campaign song has emerged: the theme music from the Cialis TV commercial. (CUE MUSIC: Funky guitar riff... ANNOUNCER: When you're in the mood to run for president, and the time is not quite right, try Cialis... Because with Cialis, you can wait until you're 72 years old to run for president...)'

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Ex-Red Sox Hurler Relieved He Wasn't on Mitchell's List

2007-12-14T13:03:00.001-08:00

Sid Puffinberry, who once pitched in Boston's bullpen back in Roger Clemens' heydey with the club, says he is "relieved" that he wasn't named in George Mitchell's report on steroid use in major league baseball, released this week. "Not that I have anything to worry about - I've never taken steroids in my life," said Puffinberry (pictured at right prior to alleged steroid use and again at left after the allegations surfaced). Still, he says, there were a lot of rumors swirling about after he once threw a perfect game in his only start for the Red Sox, after compiling an uninspiring 1-7 record with a 16.23 ERA in 25 lifetime appearances prior to that performance. "A lot of people say that because my appearance changed a little - well, OK, a lot - that it must mean I took steroids. Or they say that just because I threw a perfect game after sucking so bad for so long that means I was on the juice. I say - people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones... and that if they do, and they want to make sure they can break the house with that stone, they need to add at least ten mph to their fast ball... And I can hook em up with a great trainer..." Meanwhile, Mitchell, a prominent member on the Red Sox Board of Directors, expressed satisfaction that he had exposed enough in his report for Commissioner Bud Selig to take action. "I didn't list all the Yankees who had ever taken steroids, I'm sure, but it's a good start..."

Only 23 Years Until Clay Aiken is Eligible for Rock Hall

2007-12-14T12:48:00.001-08:00

Clay Aiken, in the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame someday? Not as crazy as you might think - especially after Madonna was enshrined this month. Now, you might argue that Madonna is a mega star who has been churning out hits for the better part of a quarter of a century. And there's no arguing her influence on pop culture (before Madonna, girls only flashed their boobs on Bourbon Street during Mardi Gras; now, they do it to and from church...). Still, even the biggest Madonna supporter can't argue with a straight face that she is a rock star! Pop, definitely. Dance, absolutely. Music video exhibitionist, no question. But rock star? I defy anyone to name one Madonna song that even remotely sounds like rock n' roll. So what the hell is she doing in the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame, alongside such greats as Elvis, The Beatles, and The Stones, to name a few? Beats me. Which brings us to Clay Aiken, now two years separated from his first Manilow-esque recording. Should Clay hang around the charts off and on for the next two decades, it's not out of the question that the Alfred E. Neuman look-alike will one day sport a bust inside the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame. Thankfully, I'll be dead by then. At least, I hope...

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Christmas Music Starting Already...

2007-11-09T13:13:00.000-08:00

In what appears to be the earliest-ever broadcast of a Christmas song in world history, Nat King Cole's The Christmas Story was played on WOFU-FM in Topeka, Kansas on October 1 of this year, inconspicuously launching the station's new holiday promotion called The Twelve Weeks of Christmas. Apparently, the station plans to play all Christmas music around-the-clock for 12 weeks straight, meaning the final carole will be aired just before midnight on Christmas Eve. When asked why the station wouldn't simply play the music one day longer so people could enjoy it on Christmas Day, station manager Chris Cross said, "No way, dude... We'll all be sick of the holidays by then..."

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Copperfield: "When I Snap My Fingers, My Zipper Will Open"

2007-10-31T12:11:00.001-07:00

Went to Vegas last weekend and took in a David Copperfield show. Looks like the magic man has added a new trick to his repertoire. Of late, Copperfield has been inviting hot-looking women to join him on stage, where he promptly hypnotizes them, much to the amusement of the rest of the audience, who of course are "faced" already. Once Copperfield is ready to break the spell, he waves his arms smoothly in every direction and says, "And now... when I snap my fingers, my zipper will open!" And sure enough, that's what happened! Damn good thing Siegfried & Roy weren't in the arena...

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Harry Reid Voted Most Likely To Be The Next Congressman to Have A Larry Craig Moment

2007-10-31T11:58:00.000-07:00

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) has been voted by Creepy People Magazine as the member of Congress "most likely to have a Larry Craig moment" in an overwhelming poll released late last night, as people were changing planes in airports all over the country. Reid, who has been making waves recently for his suggestion that the arson-induced wildfires in southern California were caused by global warming, was cited by the magazine as having a "creepiness ratio" of 10 - the highest possible score. He also scored highly on the "lack of manliness" scale, tallying a 9.5. Finally, Reid sealed the deal by receiving a 9.5 score for his nimble ability to Irish stepdance, which he gladly demonstrates whenever anyone asks him what the hell he's ever accomplished in Congress...

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Albus Dumbledore to Visit Iran

2007-10-22T12:20:00.000-07:00

Master wizard Albus Dumbledore, his private life no longer a secret, is seeking refuge from the frenzy of tabloid journalists who have surrounded his Hogwarts castle in recent days. As a result, Dumbledore is reportedly planning to spend a few weeks in Iran, where he feels the media will be less likely to ask questions about his sexuality. Prior to arriving in Tehran, however, the 87-year-old Dumbledore plans on stopping in London, where he will hit a few discos before moving on to Iran...

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Feds Investigating Ellen for Dog-Crying Ring Ties

2007-10-22T11:58:00.000-07:00

Federal prosecutors have named comedienne Ellen DeGeneres as a "person of interest" in their investigation of an alleged dog crying ring, our sources have learned. The alleged ring, which has drawn the interest of animal rights activists across the country, centers around a scheme in which dog owners appear in home-made videos alongside their pets. Suddenly, and without provocation, the dog owners begin blubbering hysterically into the camera. Many of the videos have been subsequently dubbed onto VHS and taken in secret to several local Blockbuster stores, where they are slipped onto the shelves in the Purgatory section located at the far remote corner of the store, right next to the one unrented copy of DeGeneres' debut film Mr. Wrong... Lead prosecutor Michelle Vick says it's too premature to say DeGeneres will be charged with any crime, but says the comic may have to be detained anyway just to get her to "stop slobbering all over the place because of her stupid dog..."

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GOP Candidates Spar Over Who Can Mention Reagan the Most

2007-10-22T11:31:00.000-07:00

It was riveting theater last night in Orlando as the Republican presidential hopefuls traded jabs in a spirited competition to see who could mention former president Ronald Reagan's name the most. Former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney (whose last name in French means Kerry) walked away with the honors, invoking the late president's name on five separate occasions. Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee was second, mentioning Reagan's name three times, while John McCain and Rudy Guiliani each mentioned his name twice. Ron Paul, the maverick candidate running on an anti-war platform, was the lone candidate not to mention Reagan's name at all - but he did pay homage to the late Ray Walston, former star of TV's My Favorite Martian...

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Newly Designated Historical District Not Known For Anything in Particular

2007-10-16T08:34:00.000-07:00

Main Street in downtown Garrettville, Illinois was recently designated a historical district by the Historical Designation Society of America. The town of approximately 7,000 people proudly held a ceremony last weekend for the official posting of the street sign proclaiming their new status. However, there are serious questions being raised about the validity of this new honor, and these questions appear to be legitimate. In walking up and down Main Street repeatedly, it is simply hard to draw the conclusion that there is anything historical at all about the district. In fact, it looks like just another hick town in Anywhere, USA, with the exception of a couple of lame antique shops and a coffee house that sells stale pastries. In fact, if you stop at the town's Chamber of Commerce for a brochure about the area, you'll find that there's really nothing to do there at all. In fact, I was so bored after an hour that I stopped in the local liquor store, stocked up on a couple of fifths of Jim Beam, and got seriously FACED!!! I woke up the next morning in a little alleyway behind the local market, and I was STILL bored!!!! The bottom line is: THIS TOWN SUCKS AND I'M NEVER GOING BACK...

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Dalai Lama Obtains Restraining Order Against Richard Gere

2007-10-16T08:19:00.000-07:00

Here is the official statement from His Spiritualness Himself, the Dalai Lama:

"It is with a very heavy heart that I inform you that I have applied for and have been granted a restraining order on one Richard Gere of Los Angeles, California. As the world knows, I have grown close with Richard over the past several years, and consider him to be a well-intentioned, good-hearted person. His karma is definitely in the right place. However, Richard just doesn't seem to understand that even the Dalai Lama needs a little space from time to time... I have traveled from mountain top to mountain top in seek of a little solitude in order to pray and seek a higher state of consciousness. But it seems like every mountain top I visit, there's old Richard sitting Indian-style, eyes closed, hands outstretched to the side, as if he's trying to catch the breeze in his hands. Of course, when he sees me, he leaps to his feet and runs over to me, rubbing my bald scalp and tugging at my cloth. It's FREAKING ANNOYING, DAMN IT!!! Get a FREAKING GRIP, would ya, Richard? You're a FREAKING ACTOR, for chris'sakes! Don't you have anything BETTER to do than to bug a little old bald man who doesn't even speak your FREAKING LANGUAGE??? Why don't you channel some of that energy into making BETTER MOVIES, for crying out loud!!! How about a "Mr. Goodbar" sequel or something? Geez, oh mighty, how do you expect to find any ENLIGHTENMENT when you're always KISSING UP TO ME???!!!! And don't get me started on all those GAY RUMORS.... Just BACK OFF, will you???!!!

Sincerely,

The Dalai Lama Himself

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Senator Larry Craig to Star in the Opening to "My Three Sons"

2007-10-04T14:12:00.000-07:00

What if Sen. Larry Craig - he of bathroom stall fame - resigned from the Senate and then went into show business to appear in the opening to "My Three Sons," a remake of the old Fred MacMurray sitcom? Can't you see it? The film opens with with two animated pairs of feet, standing stationary, and then suddenly Craig's big size 12's enter the frame accompanied by the old show's familiar theme song... Da da da daaaaa... da da da daaaaa... At that point, Craig's feet start tapping to the music. Soon, his foot begins to nudge over closer to one of the other pairs of feet. Before long, Craig's foot starts tapping against the other foot... Ah, it's times like these I wish I were a cartoonist...

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Fat Researcher Questions Existence of Obesity Epidemic

2007-10-04T14:01:00.000-07:00

Don't you love it when a porky-looking scientist talks ominously about the "growing" problem of obesity in the U.S.?

"Obesity in this country is reaching epidemic proportions," said Dr. Heath Barr of the UCLA School of Public Health as he struggled to swallow the Twinkie lodged inside his mouth.

But even more comical is the chubby researcher who questions the very existence of the problem:

"While no one is suggesting that it is good to be fat, there are indications that a little bit of excess weight is not going to harm anyone," said James Lard, a leading obesity researcher at Tulane University, who was spotted wheezing as he struggled to climb the half flight of stairs leading from his office to the nearest vending machine.

What's next, the scrawny, shriveled-looking professor who coughs up phlegm while preaching about the perils of smoking?

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Senate to Debate Merits of Oprah's Latest Book of the Month

2007-10-04T13:43:00.000-07:00

In a burst of legislative productivity not seen since the days of the Great Depression, the U.S. Senate today convened an emergency session to debate the merits of daytime talk show queen Oprah Winfrey's latest Book of the Month, Silhouettes, the tome about a young girl, Ariana, who discovers her mother's diary in the attic after her death and is stunned to learn that Mom wasn't happy at times. Dabbing his eyes repeatedly during his big moment on the Senate floor, Sen. Arlen Spector (R-Pa) said, "Ariana's story has touched a nerve in all of us," and then quickly earmarked several million dollars for a new Borders to be constructed in Allentown. Spector was followed onto the Senate floor by Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nv), whose hands actually trembled as he talked about the book. "Moving," he said repeatedly in his patented whimpy, uninspiring voice. "Simply moving..."

The great citizens of America look forward to more legislative brilliance next week, when our distinguished Senators will wade into more controversial territory: a dispute between a truck driver, his lesbian ex-wife, and their babysitter, which aired recently on The Maury Povich Show...

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Bay City Mayor Declares: "There Are No Homosexuals in San Francisco!"

2007-09-26T13:47:00.000-07:00

Following the lead of the esteemed Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom held a press conference today at City Hall in which he declared, "There are no homosexuals in San Francisco!" a statement that was met with even more laughter than what greeted Ahmadinejad's farcical performance at Columbia University last Monday. Though the "City by the Bay" has long been reported to have a homosexual population of close to 20 percent, Newsom disputed that by saying, "Perhaps at one time there were (homosexuals) in San Francisco, but by the late 90's they all migrated to Butte (Montana) on the news that the name of the town had been mispronounced all these years..."

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"Marcia, Marcia, Marcia... Oh Marcia...."

2007-09-24T12:10:00.000-07:00

OK, let's just assume that it's true. Let's assume that Maureen McCormick (a.k., Marcia Brady) did indeed have a lesbian affair with Eve Plumb (a.k., Jan Brady). What does it tell you about this woman who sat on this (er, uh, poor choice of words...) all these years without saying a word and now, thirty something years later, in an effort to sell a few books, she comes out and reveals that her and Jan did a little rug munching back in the day... Now poor Jan has to answer all these questions - from her family, from her friends, from reporters - about something that is nobody's business. I mean, this truly is reprehensible on Marcia's part.... OK, there. I'm over the indignation. Now I want to see the photos...

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General Petraeus or Amadeus?

2007-09-24T10:37:00.000-07:00

So let's just say that MoveOn.org had chosen a different rhyme to use in their infamous NY Times ad taking Gen. David Petraeus to task for his report on Iraq. What if, instead of rhyming "Petraeus" with "betray us," they rhymed him with "Amadeus," as in Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, one of the greatest musical composers of all time. Would we even be discussing what kind of advertising rate the Times gave MoveOn? No - we'd be debating more critical matters, such as which was the better work, Nozze di Figaro or Don Giovanni. Or we'd be discussing the true merits of perhaps Amadeus's most familiar composition, Eine kleine Nachtmusik. And of course we'd be discussing whether or not Amadeus died of syphillis as reported and - most importantly - how he contracted the disease...

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