See Span Blog

Obama Beats Out Homer Simpson for Nobel Peace Prize

2009-10-09T07:37:00.001-07:00

The Simpsons star Homer Simpson didn't try to mask his disappointment at being edged out for the Nobel Peace Prize by U.S. President Barack Obama. "That's what you get for working at a nuclear power plant," groused Homer as he watched Obama on television, accepting bouquets of flowers and giant fig leaf arrangements from adoring media zombies and world leaders across the globe. "A working class guy gets no respect," Homer sighed, and then resolved to someday get even with the president. "OK, if that's how he wants it, than we'll see him in 2012!" declared Homer. "If a guy like him can win the Nobel Prize after a week and a half on the job, then I sure as hell can become the next president! After all, who would you rather have as leader of the free world, a guy who won some sissy Nobel Peace Prize or an under-educated blue collar guy like me who can still figure out that you can't give 40 million more people health insurance without raising a ton of taxes or taking away insurance from others..."

Record Number of Atheists Gather in Church To Mourn Kennedy

2009-08-31T07:21:00.000-07:00

Observations on the passing of Ted Kennedy... Wow! I've never seen so many people who don't believe in God gathered in a church before... Oh - that's right, President Obama was there to deliver the eulogy... I don't know, my two cents worth is that Kennedy was certainly worth saluting. Forget about his anachronistic politics - anybody who survived 46 years in Congress deserves a tip of the hat... and certainly it's worth noting that this is the last flicker of the whole Camelot era, so to a degree I do get the media going bonkers over his death... But that Chappaquiddick thing is another matter... If the afterlife means your tab finally comes due, I'd say Teddy is probably already washing dishes.... Only a dishonest person could not conclude that he was guilty of vehicular homicide, and yet did not even spend an hour behind bars... Now that's F'd up. Had he spent even a few weeks or months behind bars, I think the whole incident would've ultimately wound up like water under the bridge -er, oops, uh, poor choice of words... The fact that Teddy went on to throw a hissy fit when Nixon was pardoned for covering up a burglary added a few additional "zeroes" to his tab... Speaking of paying up: I've always wondered how many "Benjamins" the Kennedys paid the Kopechnes not to talk about the incident... All to preserve a f-ing political career... Amazing....

In Major Policy Shift, U.S. Will Now Negotiate With Centaurs

2009-08-06T07:47:00.000-07:00

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? Check. Hugo Chavez? Check. Mythical Greek man-horse? Double check! Yes, it really is a new era in America diplomacy as the Obama administration has announced plans to re-open dialogue with its long time antagonist, the centaur.... OK, OK, so it's not really a centaur in the picture on the left... it's Vladimir Putin riding a horse without a shirt on... And OK, OK, we airbrushed out the horse's head... But it was for the horse's own good. After all, that guy in South Carolina is now out on bail... You know -- the guy who kept visiting that stable late at night before finally being caught in the act (By the way, is it not the height of irony that a man who likes to do it with a horse has to visit a place called a stable in order to get his action??? But I digress...)...

Boy George "Deeply Grateful" To Judge Who Sent Him To Jail

2009-01-27T12:18:00.000-08:00

Singer Boy George expressed his "deep gratitude" yesterday to New York City Circuit Judge Judy Jones for sending him to jail and said he was "excited" to begin serving his 60-day sentence in his "minimum security" cell at Attica State Penitentiary. . "It's every boy's dream," gushed the singer, whose hit songs with Culture Club included Do You Really Want To Hurt Me (answer: Yes), Karma Chameleon, and the unforgettable dance tune I'd Bend Over Backwards 4 U. "To do time in a cell full of violent, muscular criminals is a wish come true," said George, who added that he plans on "doing" more than just time during his jail stay. George did not seem upset that Attica prison officials will not let him don his trademark mascara and lipstick while behind bars. "Prison is the great equalizer," said George. "I know that I don't need to look pretty here. In fact, I'm not even planning on shaving." George will be allowed visitors during his stay, and already Massachusetts Congressman Barney Frank has made arrangements to stop by...

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Obama Summons Chief Justice Roberts Back Again; "Two Out of Three!"

2009-01-27T12:10:00.000-08:00

President Barack Obama apparently wants a rubber match with Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts. After Roberts decisively won their first swearing-in match on Inauguration Day by totally pummeling Obama with a downright dyslexic recitation of the oath of office, Obama rallied the next day with a smooth victory at the second swearing in, evening the season series at 1-1. Now Obama wants to settle the score once and for all, and has summoned Roberts back to the White House for a third and series-deciding swearing-in. But the 44th president may want to be careful what he wishes for; reports out of the Roberts camp say the Chief Justice has been training tenaciously, and is planning to stun Obama with a dizzying flurry of pig latin at their next swearing-in match...

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Alec Baldwin: "America Suddenly A Great Country Again"

2009-01-27T12:01:00.000-08:00

Count thespian Alec Baldwin among those feeling invigorated by Barack Obama's inauguration as the nation's 44th president. "It was a strange feeling, loathing my country for eight years and then suddenly loving it again," said Baldwin. "It's amazing how, just by the simple act of swapping politicians, this nation of 300 million people can go from being the scourge of the entire world to being a beacon of hope again." Baldwin claims he is now so bullish on America that he has put both his house in Vancouver and his bungalow in France for sale in light of Obama's inauguration, saying he's ecstatic to finally be "coming home." Baldwin was concilatory in other ways as well, even promising to never call his 12-year-old daughter a "selfish little pig" any more...

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Payless Shoe Store The Future Site For Bush Presidential Library

2008-12-18T20:46:00.000-08:00

A spokeswoman for Payless Shoes announced today that the Payless store in Midland, TX will be the future home of the George W. Bush presidential library. The spokeswoman, Anita Scholls, said construction will begin shortly after Bush leaves office next month and that the library will be completed by early 2010. Scholls emphasized that the entire store will not be dedicated to the Bush library, but instead a single aisle which currently features clearance items for big and tall men and also for dwarfs.

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Man Who Threw Shoe at Bush Says He "Missed It By That Much"

2008-12-18T20:33:00.000-08:00

The Iraqi man who made global headlines by throwing two shoes at President Bush during a recent press conference in Baghdad has now issued a statement about the incident. "Missed it by that much..." said the man, who now goes exclusively by the name "Agent 86." The man also said that CHAOS operatives continue to lurk among the general population in Iraq, but that they are easy to spot because they all travel about in their stocking feet...

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Hot-Selling Holiday Condom Named After Illinois Gov: Wii Fit

2008-12-18T20:23:00.000-08:00

Life isn't all bad for Rod Blagojevich. The embattled Illinois Governor has a new condom named after him: Wii Fit. The prophylactic has been flying off the shelves in stores all across America this holiday season, making it the top-selling condom of all time. Bruce Sizemore, an analyst with a marketing research firm in Chicago, says the mega sales of Wii Fit: The Condom has been nothing short of phenomenal. "We're learning more about penis size every day," said Sizemore, excitedly. "And, despite his legal troubles, we owe it to the Governor of Illinois for having the courage to step forward and become the public face of little dicks all across the country..."

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Colin Powell Spotted Putting Obama Bumper Sticker on Car - AFTER Election

2008-11-14T12:57:00.001-08:00

Back during the first Gulf War in 1991, Colin Powell exploded onto the national scene with his stirring, methodical summation of how the U.S. army was going to hunt down Iraqi forces and vanquish them, earning him such a reputation as a strong leader that he quickly became a presidential frontrunner for a chattering class looking for a new political star. The clamor for Powell for President reached a crescendo in 1995-1996, when he "came out of the closet" and announced he was a Republican, saying he had abandoned the Democratic Party because they were "bankrupt of new ideas." Virtually every poll conducted during that time period showed Powell convincingly beating Bill Clinton in a hypothetical matchup. And Powell parsed his words carefully when asked if he planned to run, saying he was "undecided." Finally, however, Powell meekly announced that "he didn't have the fire in his belly" for a presidential run, and receded into the public speaking circuit for a few years. Then, after becoming President George W. Bush's Secretary of State, he put forth a stirring, convincing performance at the United Nations Assembly about the need to remove Saddam Hussein from power, arguing that very credible intelligence showed Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. But when it ultimately became clear that the "very credible intelligence" was, er, wrong, Powell sheepishly became a regular on the television talk show circuit, arguing that "he never wanted to go to war in Iraq in the first place." Now, on the heels of his bold endorsement of Barack Obama - which came just a week before the election when most polls were showing Obama with an insurmountable lead over John McCain - Powell has topped even himself. The morning after the election, Powell marched boldly down to his car and confidently affixed an "Obama" bumper sticker to his rear bumper, and proceeded to drive off to the nearest Washington cocktail party...

Obama Plans "Post-Partisan" Investigations of the Bush Administration

2008-11-14T12:51:00.000-08:00

President-elect Barack Obama campaigned on a promise to govern in a "post-partisan" manner. And he appears poised to deliver on that promise - announcing yesterday that he plans on launching "100 investigations of the Bush administration in the first 100 days" -- or one investigation per day, for all you math whizzes out there... When asked by a sheepish reporter how the "100 investigations in 100 days" squares with his promise to rise above partisan politics, Obama smiled that dazzling smile and said, "You actually believed that shit???"

Life After Gitmo: Detainees Look Forward To Future After January 20 Release

2008-11-13T13:08:00.000-08:00

The 250 remaining prisoners at Guantanamo Bay , Cuba are marking their calendars in anticipation of January 20, 2009, the day their prison will be shut down for good and they will be released into freedom after years of torture and captivity under the Bush administration. In exit interviews with the detainees, many were anxious to discuss their future plans. Many planned to travel upon their release, while some hoped to return to their respective homes in the Middle East. Others, meanwhile, hoped to relocate to the United States and set up roots in various cities across the country, blending in with the other citizens and, hopefully, finding a good paying job. Some plan to go to college or vocational school; others hope to study aviation or to go into microbiology. And some plan to be entrepreneurs like Amal Allibbi, a 21-year-old Pakistani, who plans to set up his own flower boutique in San Francisco, near the Golden Gate Bridge...

David Duke Sees The Bright Side Of The Election: "Obama Also The First 'Half-White' President"

2008-11-04T18:38:00.000-08:00

David Duke is apparently unfazed by Barack Obama's remarkable ascendance to the U.S. presidency. In fact, the notorious former Klansman actually sees the glass as half-full. "Obama is the first half-white president," said Duke, tugging at the Confederate flag lapel on his shirt. "This is truly a historic milestone in the history of the good old U. S. of A.!"

McCain Accepts Defeat, But Still Shocked That Clay Aiken Is Gay

2008-11-04T18:33:00.000-08:00

John McCain was gracious in defeat on Tuesday night, and seemed to be dealing with his loss to Barack Obama quite well. However, McCain had a much more difficult time dealing with his emotions when asked about former American Idol runner-up Clay Aiken's recent announcement that he is gay. "I voted for Clay seven times," said the Arizona senator, his voice cracking. "I thought his cover version of 'Feelings' was one of the most poignant renditions I've ever heard. But my friends, I just can't accept the fact that he takes it up the you-know-what."

With Presidency Now Out of Reach, Clintons To Open Quaint Bed & Breakfast

2008-11-04T18:17:00.000-08:00

Barack Obama's election as the next U.S. President means that Hillary Clinton's aspirations to one day occupy the Oval Office are officially over, which immediately begged the question: what will the Clintons do next? Well, it didn't take long to find the answer. Within moments of Obama going over the magic 270 electoral vote threshold, thereby clinching the presidency, Bill and Hillary Clinton issued a joint statement, congratulating Obama on his victory - and then making the stunning announcement that they plan to open a quaint little Bed & Breakfast in the Washington, D.C. neighborhood of Georgetown, where the 42nd president once studied. "It'll be the kind of place where people can either sit in the reading room and take in all the literature glorifying our presidency, or easily walk to all the boutiques and shops along Wisconsin Avenue," said Mrs. Clinton. "And what better way to start the day than having Bill whip up one of his famous ham and cheese omlettes!"

The Obama Home Shopping Channel Makes Its Debut on NBC, CBS

2008-10-30T14:15:00.000-07:00

Barack Obama's new home shopping channel made a successful debut on the eve of the election last week, and industry observers say a new day has dawned in the era of home shopping. "Obama has tapped into a whole new market simply by broadening the selection of merchandise offered to viewers," said Larry Wallet, a marketing executive with Inside Wallet Marketing. "Not only do Obama's programs allow people to shop for jewelry and fine clothes like all the others, it also provides free health care, tax credits, and even carbon credits for anyone willing to bend over and pay." Though Obama himself hosted the channel's launch last week on NBC and CBS, he plans on assuming more of a background role now that he has other pressing concerns to deal with. "By stepping up to the plate and hosting the first 30 minutes of The Barack Obama Home Shopping Channel, Obama has added much-needed legitimacy to the channel," said Wallet. "Now that it's off the ground, he can hand it off to one of his hacks and have them keep peddling the goods..."

No Plans For a "Hussein" Movie, Stone Says

2008-10-30T13:52:00.000-07:00

Contrary to rumors that have been circulating throughout the blogosphere of late, Director Oliver Stone has no plans to make a movie entitled "Hussein," which chronicles the rise of Barack Obama. Stone received a great deal of scrutiny for his controversial film "W," which tells the story of George W. Bush's journey from drunken frat boy to leader of the free world, and it has been reported that Stone might follow that up with a similarly accurate, compelling portrayal about Obama's phenomenal rise to prominence. But Stone shot down those reports in a recent interview with Vietcong Boy magazine, in which he said, "There simply is no interest in it (an accurate Obama documentary). Everything that has been written and said about the man is already out there for public consumption, whereas with Bush, no one has ever said a word about how he used to drink a lot and how Dick Cheney is calling all the shots." Instead, Stone's future plans include an upcoming film about the life of conservative talk show king Rush Limbaugh, centering around reports that Limbaugh once assassinated his neighbor's kitten...

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McCain To Close Harlem Campaign Office

2008-10-15T11:39:00.001-07:00

Citing sagging poll numbers, the McCain campaign has announced it is closing its Harlem campaign office in order to devote more resources into other locations where the Republican presidential candidate is more competitive. "We are in no way conceding the Harlem vote," said McCain campaign manager Reed Tweendelines. "We still feel we have a strong chance of making a good showing in that district. But with three weeks to go, we need to shift our focus a bit." One Harlem resident, Leroy Harris, lamented the McCain campaign's decision. "Sheeeeeit... Now I gots no place to spraypaint...."

Obama To Close Several Appalachian Offices

2008-10-15T11:29:00.001-07:00

Barack Obama's strength in red states captured by George W. Bush in 2004 apparently doesn't extend to areas in Appalachia, as the Democratic candidate announced he is closing several campaign offices stretching from western North Carolina to West Virginia. Though polling data throughout the Appalachian region is incomplete, the vandalism at several rural Obama campaign offices, complete with nooses hanging from nearby trees and burning crosses out near the street, was enough to convince the Obama campaign to move out of those offices and focus on more competitive battlefields. Obama hasn't entirely written off the region however; he plans to attend the 15th annual Bluegrass festival in Bluefield, WV, being held this weekend. Obama's rationale for attending an event destined to be attended by bitter, clinging, rural people? "Hey, we're going to compete for every single vote in every single state - even places with fat rednecks who haven't bathed in months."

Critics Heap Praise on Stone's "Balanced" 'W'

2008-10-15T11:18:00.000-07:00

Republican supporters of President George W. Bush who were bracing themselves for the worst when they heard that notorious film maker Oliver Stone was making a new movie about the president for release just a few weeks before the presidential election are now breathing a sigh of relief as early reviews out of Hollywood say the movie is fair and balanced. "Man, we thought it was going to be some kind of hatchet job, or something,"said Republican National Committee chairman Mike Duncan. "But Ollie makes some excellent points in the film." Said long-time Bush advisor Karl Rove: "It was like bracing for a hurricane and then getting a sprinkle. The movie was actually very compelling, and not at all biased." Finally, from the President himself: "I clearly misunderestimated Mr. Stone. I thought he was gonna serve up this movie that says I was the one who shot JFK or something. Turns out I had nothing to worry about. And I really liked how, in the end, Malcolm got over his hatred of white people." When informed that the movie Stone had made was called "W" and not "X," Bush said with a shrug, "Fuzzy letters."

John Edwards to Reprise Robert Young Role in Big Screen Version of "Father Knows Best"

2008-08-07T07:25:00.000-07:00

Hollywood continues to crank out big screen adaptations of old TV sitcoms. The latest project Tinseltown is taking on is the Robert Young classic "Father Knows Best." The holdup, we're told, has been finding a leading man to assume the Young character of Jim Anderson. But the film's director, Quentin Tarrantino, is thinking outside the box in terms of casting, and has agreed in principle with former Democratic presidential candidate and devout family man John Edwards to reprise the Young role. "John will be perfect," said Tarrantino. "And we may even cast some of his real-life children in the film - from both his families..."

Paris Hilton All For More Drilling

2008-08-07T07:16:00.000-07:00

Lost in all the buzz caused by Paris Hilton's hilarious You Tube rebuttal to John McCain's campaign ad is the fact that Paris has admitted that she is all for more drilling. In fact, she has been heard with several people - most of them men - exclaiming, "Don't stop... please don't stop... Drill more... Keep drilling.... Yes!!!" Whether it's off-shore, on-shore, or Michael row the boat a shore, it doesn't matter to Paris. Just as long as they keep drilling.... and drilling... and drilling... And it's good that her position won't effect gas supply for several years, I might add.

"We Are The Ones That They Have Been Waiting in Line For"

2008-08-07T06:46:00.000-07:00

After listening to Barack Obama, it's impossible for even the staunchest of Republicans to come away unimpressed by his oratorical gifts. When it comes to communicating with the masses, the man has simply "got it" (just like Bush... uh...not)... However, it's worth noting that all the "Obamaisms" that are now at the forefront of our political lexicon - "Yes, we can," "Change you can believe in," "We are the ones we've been waiting for" - went through many early versions before settling into their final form.

For example, "Yes, we can," originated as a customer service ad for K-Mart. Not wanting to be accused of plagiarism, Obama experimented with many other off-shoots of "Yes, we can": "Yes, we will," "Yes, we might," and "Maybe we can, maybe we can't" were all under consideration before Obama realized that K-Mart was going belly-up so who cares... Also, "Change you can believe in" began in earnest as "I believe you can change in that room down the hall."

But perhaps no Obamaism went through as many renditions as the storied "We are the ones we've been waiting for." Now, in the spirit of full disclosure, I still don't know what the f&^* that means. I don't know about you, but anytime I've ever been with a group of people, we're usually waiting for someone else, not for those who are already there. Perhaps that's what they mean by "preaching to the choir..." At any rate, "We are the ones we've been waiting for" originally was written as "We are the world... and we've been waiting for Quincy Jones..." Then it was changed to "I am He as You are He as you are We and We are the ones we've been waiting for." But that seemed a little lengthy. The third stab produced this gem: "We are the ones that they've been waiting in line for." But none of these seemed as inspiring as "We are the ones we've been waiting for," and so it was - and the rest is history.

The long and sometimes torturous road to oratorical brilliance certainly has other precedents as well - after all, Paul McCartney's "Yesterday" began as "Scrambled Eggs." And no one cares much how Obama arrived at his genius. The important thing is that he indeed arrived.

Yes he did...

Is "The Dark Knight" Racist?

2008-08-07T06:35:00.000-07:00

Is "The Dark Knight" racist? Well, as they say: If the cape fits, wear it! I mean, the signs are everywhere. Gotham City... Daaaaark... Batman's outfit.... blaaaack... The bat cave... daaaark... The title of the movie... The Daaaaark Knight... I mean, come on people!!!! It's f-ing obvious!!! Get it??? Daaaaark Knight????... Gee I wish I had something better to do...

It's Still Not Over

2008-06-05T06:25:00.000-07:00

Barack Obama has reached the magical number of delegates needed to become the Democratic nominee for president. Hillary Clinton has said she will concede the nomination. But it's still not over. It will never be over, at least as long as people like Dr. Joseph E. Tuck are around. Tuck, for those not familiar with his name, is one of the leading plastic surgeons in Beverly Hills, and sources close to the Clinton campaign have said that Hillary Clinton has met on at least two occasions with Tuck in recent days, exploring the possibility of undergoing an incredible transformational procedure that will throw even more confusion into the Democratic nomination process. Obama aides are openly nervous about the nature of the discussions between Clinton and Tuck, and worry that they may be planning something on a scale of such magnitude that the entire Democratic National Convention held later in the summer in Denver will be thrown into a state of unprecedented turmoil...

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Bill Clinton Loses All Tunes on iPod Except One: "Glory Days"

2008-06-05T06:18:00.000-07:00

Former President Bill Clinton, already troubled by his plummeting reputation due to his erratic behavior out on the campaign trail, now has another problem: he inadvertently erased all the songs on his iPod except for one: Glory Days by Bruce Springsteen... When asked how he could be so careless as to lose over 1,000 songs he had compiled on the device, Clinton's face turned purple-red and he wagged his finger angrily at the questioner. "See, this is exactly the reason why Hillary isn't the nominee," he snarled. "You guys are too focused on what's on my iPod instead of the real issues, like who's gonna reform health care, social security, implement a sound energy policy that conserves energy while at the same time encourages development of new sources of energy, creates a tax code that is fair to working Americans, and of course, how many hot interns Hillary might have in the White House should she be president..."

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Space Station Astronaut Regrets Visit to Taco Bell Prior to Launch

2008-06-05T06:11:00.000-07:00

The plumbing problems onboard the international space station have caused great remorse for a member of the crew, Colin Splatterby, who radioed in to Houston early in the week to express his "deep regret" for visiting Taco Bell just prior to the launch last weekend. His startled fellow astronauts, upon hearing this, immediately stepped up their efforts to get the broken toilet fixed, and reports now say that the latrine is back up and working. But now the crew has a different problem: they just ran out of Glade...

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Obama Says He Was "Asleep" During Rev. Wright's Sermons

2008-04-04T08:48:00.000-07:00

Democratic presidential frontrunner Barack Obama is distancing himself further from the incendiary rhetoric of his pastor of 20 years, the Rev. Jeremiah Wright. Obama, somewhat sheepishly, admitted that every time he attends church, he falls asleep during the sermons - no matter who is delivering them. "I'm ashamed to admit that, yes, I tend to snooze during the sermon," said Obama, adding, "Particularly during sermons where the preacher is accusing the United States government of intentionally infecting an entire population with the AIDS virus... or when the preacher says that the murder of 3,000 civilians on 9/11 was justified... I mean, BOR-INGGGGG!!!"

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D.C. Labor Group Slams Spitzer for "Outsourcing" Hookers

2008-03-11T06:17:00.001-07:00

The firestorm surrounding disgraced former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer is now drawing the wrath of labor groups around the country as well. The District of Columbia Street Walkers Union (DCSWU) issued a statement condemning Spitzer's alleged hiring of a New York City call girl to escort him to Washington last month as a prime example of "outsourcing" of jobs. DCSWU president Hugh G. Rection said in the statement, "We've already seen the permanent damage that 'free trade' agreements like NAFTA have done to American workers. Now it appears that some are taking that next step and invoking hiring practices that will damage their neighboring states and cities. DCSWU would like to ask the Governor a simple question: what's wrong with D.C. hookers? By hiring a New York call girl and bringing her with him to our city - and paying her thousands of dollars in the process - he has deprived a call girl in Washington of the same opportunity. This act committed by Gov. Spitzer and others like him is simply anti-worker, anti-Washington D.C., and - hopefully - anti-bacterial...

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Former First Lady Clinton Says She'll Be "Ready on Day One" To Host Lunches

2008-03-11T06:12:00.000-07:00

Former First Lady and former Democratic presidential frontrunner Hillary Rodham Clinton continues to advance the notion that she, and not Democratic rival Barack Obama, will be "ready to lead on Day One," and cites her "35 years of experience" as proof to back up her claims. And let's face it: the evidence is pretty compelling. Given her eight years of experience in the White House, who else could possibly be ready on Day One to host a White House lunch?

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Obama Woos Crowd With Kick-Ass Rendition of "Love Me Tender"

2008-02-22T08:55:00.000-08:00

Surging Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama tantalized his audience in a sell-out performance in Dallas last night, when he took the stage with his Epiphone acoustic guitar and played a kick-ass version of "Love Me Tender." Women of all races and age groups swooned and fainted as Obama crooned the magical words, "...all my dreams fulfilled..." Large portions of "metrosexual" males in the crowd fanned themselves and shook their heads in wonder - and a few of them even fainted as well. When the song's final strains resonated through the ampitheater, the crowd of nearly 20,000 burst into a thunderous ovation, and most of them proceeded to take out their cigarette lighters as Obama left the stage, waving and shouting out what sounded to on-lookers like, "Hope!" or "Change!" or "Yes we can!"... A few minutes later, after the ovation reached a jet plane-like crescendo, Obama returned to the stage and played "Suspicious Minds" on the hamer dulcimer before being escorted by his entourage off-stage and into his awaiting limo... Tickets to Obama's show tonight in Houston reportedly sold out in less than an hour, and when asked if Obama was planning to add any more Texas dates to his schedule, a campaign staffer simply said, "Hope... so."

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Hillary Down - But Ruby Slippers Still Visible

2008-02-22T08:51:00.000-08:00

Well, the twister known as Obama has hit Hillary Clinton's campaign headquarters with a vengance, lifting the building high into the air and dropping it on the presidential candidate herself. While the former Democratic frontrunner does not appear to be moving, it has been noted that the ruby slippers she took with her when she checked out of the White House back in January 2001 are still securely on her feet, meaning that Obama's motorcade may accidentally find its way off that cliff yet...

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Down To His Last Gasp, Huckabee Considering Sawyer As Running Mate

2008-02-22T08:36:00.000-08:00

Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee, in a last-ditch attempt to wrest the Republican presidential nomination from Arizona Sen. John McCain, has announced that he will name former RAFT captain Tom Sawyer (R-Miss) as his running mate. It has long been speculated in political circles that Sawyer would make a perfect running mate for Huckabee, but nagging rumors about Sawyer's relationship with a Missouri lobbyist, Becky Thatcher, apparently have made Huckabee reluctant to embrace the charismatic former skipper of the RAFT team. However, Huckabee's campaign staff have conducted several interviews with both Sawyer and Thatcher, and have determined that, while Ms. Thatcher may have gone down on Sawyer once or twice, the relationship otherwise was fairly platonic... In a statement to reporters, Sawyer said, "If selected, I would be honored to serve with Mike Huckabee, and together we would lead a more determined effort to battle terrorism, by sending forces into the tribal regions along the Afghanistan-Pakistan border to find the most notorious criminal in the world... Injun Joe..."

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McCain Finally Gets Permission For Campaign Song: The Music From Cialis TV Spot

2008-02-22T08:13:00.000-08:00

Well, Sen. John McCain, the presumptive Republican presidential nominee, has finally gotten permission to use a popular tune as his official campaign song. In recent months, McCain has been publicly slapped down by John Mellancamp (formerly known as John Cougar Mellancamp and before that, John Cougar, and before that, The Artist Known As John Cougar) for using "Pink Houses" and "My Country" in campaign appearances. Then, McCain was shunned by the 70's Swedish dance group ABBA when he tried to use their song "Take A Chance" as his campaign song (Question of the Day: Shouldn't the likes of ABBA be GRATEFUL that ANYONE wants to even LISTEN to their anachronistic, disco ball-spinning, leisure suit-wearing, mullet hairdo-wearing CRAP, let alone USE IT AS THEIR CAMPAIGN SONG???). At any rate, after being rejected by ABBA, the McCain camp was grasping at straws. Some close to the Senator said they didn't need a campaign song.... Penny-pinchers within the campaign thought they should try to hire the (now grown) children who were once conned into singing the backing vocals to the Pink Floyd classic "Another Brick in the Wall" for free... Another line of thought was that they should play it safe and simply cough up the licensing fee to use Pat Boone's version of "Tutti Fruiti." But now, in the wake of the New York Times story hinting at a potential sex scandal involving McCain, a perfect campaign song has emerged: the theme music from the Cialis TV commercial. (CUE MUSIC: Funky guitar riff... ANNOUNCER: When you're in the mood to run for president, and the time is not quite right, try Cialis... Because with Cialis, you can wait until you're 72 years old to run for president...)'

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Ex-Red Sox Hurler Relieved He Wasn't on Mitchell's List

2007-12-14T13:03:00.001-08:00

Sid Puffinberry, who once pitched in Boston's bullpen back in Roger Clemens' heydey with the club, says he is "relieved" that he wasn't named in George Mitchell's report on steroid use in major league baseball, released this week. "Not that I have anything to worry about - I've never taken steroids in my life," said Puffinberry (pictured at right prior to alleged steroid use and again at left after the allegations surfaced). Still, he says, there were a lot of rumors swirling about after he once threw a perfect game in his only start for the Red Sox, after compiling an uninspiring 1-7 record with a 16.23 ERA in 25 lifetime appearances prior to that performance. "A lot of people say that because my appearance changed a little - well, OK, a lot - that it must mean I took steroids. Or they say that just because I threw a perfect game after sucking so bad for so long that means I was on the juice. I say - people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones... and that if they do, and they want to make sure they can break the house with that stone, they need to add at least ten mph to their fast ball... And I can hook em up with a great trainer..." Meanwhile, Mitchell, a prominent member on the Red Sox Board of Directors, expressed satisfaction that he had exposed enough in his report for Commissioner Bud Selig to take action. "I didn't list all the Yankees who had ever taken steroids, I'm sure, but it's a good start..."

Only 23 Years Until Clay Aiken is Eligible for Rock Hall

2007-12-14T12:48:00.001-08:00

Clay Aiken, in the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame someday? Not as crazy as you might think - especially after Madonna was enshrined this month. Now, you might argue that Madonna is a mega star who has been churning out hits for the better part of a quarter of a century. And there's no arguing her influence on pop culture (before Madonna, girls only flashed their boobs on Bourbon Street during Mardi Gras; now, they do it to and from church...). Still, even the biggest Madonna supporter can't argue with a straight face that she is a rock star! Pop, definitely. Dance, absolutely. Music video exhibitionist, no question. But rock star? I defy anyone to name one Madonna song that even remotely sounds like rock n' roll. So what the hell is she doing in the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame, alongside such greats as Elvis, The Beatles, and The Stones, to name a few? Beats me. Which brings us to Clay Aiken, now two years separated from his first Manilow-esque recording. Should Clay hang around the charts off and on for the next two decades, it's not out of the question that the Alfred E. Neuman look-alike will one day sport a bust inside the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame. Thankfully, I'll be dead by then. At least, I hope...

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Christmas Music Starting Already...

2007-11-09T13:13:00.000-08:00

In what appears to be the earliest-ever broadcast of a Christmas song in world history, Nat King Cole's The Christmas Story was played on WOFU-FM in Topeka, Kansas on October 1 of this year, inconspicuously launching the station's new holiday promotion called The Twelve Weeks of Christmas. Apparently, the station plans to play all Christmas music around-the-clock for 12 weeks straight, meaning the final carole will be aired just before midnight on Christmas Eve. When asked why the station wouldn't simply play the music one day longer so people could enjoy it on Christmas Day, station manager Chris Cross said, "No way, dude... We'll all be sick of the holidays by then..."

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Copperfield: "When I Snap My Fingers, My Zipper Will Open"

2007-10-31T12:11:00.001-07:00

Went to Vegas last weekend and took in a David Copperfield show. Looks like the magic man has added a new trick to his repertoire. Of late, Copperfield has been inviting hot-looking women to join him on stage, where he promptly hypnotizes them, much to the amusement of the rest of the audience, who of course are "faced" already. Once Copperfield is ready to break the spell, he waves his arms smoothly in every direction and says, "And now... when I snap my fingers, my zipper will open!" And sure enough, that's what happened! Damn good thing Siegfried & Roy weren't in the arena...

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Harry Reid Voted Most Likely To Be The Next Congressman to Have A Larry Craig Moment

2007-10-31T11:58:00.000-07:00

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) has been voted by Creepy People Magazine as the member of Congress "most likely to have a Larry Craig moment" in an overwhelming poll released late last night, as people were changing planes in airports all over the country. Reid, who has been making waves recently for his suggestion that the arson-induced wildfires in southern California were caused by global warming, was cited by the magazine as having a "creepiness ratio" of 10 - the highest possible score. He also scored highly on the "lack of manliness" scale, tallying a 9.5. Finally, Reid sealed the deal by receiving a 9.5 score for his nimble ability to Irish stepdance, which he gladly demonstrates whenever anyone asks him what the hell he's ever accomplished in Congress...

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Albus Dumbledore to Visit Iran

2007-10-22T12:20:00.000-07:00

Master wizard Albus Dumbledore, his private life no longer a secret, is seeking refuge from the frenzy of tabloid journalists who have surrounded his Hogwarts castle in recent days. As a result, Dumbledore is reportedly planning to spend a few weeks in Iran, where he feels the media will be less likely to ask questions about his sexuality. Prior to arriving in Tehran, however, the 87-year-old Dumbledore plans on stopping in London, where he will hit a few discos before moving on to Iran...

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Feds Investigating Ellen for Dog-Crying Ring Ties

2007-10-22T11:58:00.000-07:00

Federal prosecutors have named comedienne Ellen DeGeneres as a "person of interest" in their investigation of an alleged dog crying ring, our sources have learned. The alleged ring, which has drawn the interest of animal rights activists across the country, centers around a scheme in which dog owners appear in home-made videos alongside their pets. Suddenly, and without provocation, the dog owners begin blubbering hysterically into the camera. Many of the videos have been subsequently dubbed onto VHS and taken in secret to several local Blockbuster stores, where they are slipped onto the shelves in the Purgatory section located at the far remote corner of the store, right next to the one unrented copy of DeGeneres' debut film Mr. Wrong... Lead prosecutor Michelle Vick says it's too premature to say DeGeneres will be charged with any crime, but says the comic may have to be detained anyway just to get her to "stop slobbering all over the place because of her stupid dog..."

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GOP Candidates Spar Over Who Can Mention Reagan the Most

2007-10-22T11:31:00.000-07:00

It was riveting theater last night in Orlando as the Republican presidential hopefuls traded jabs in a spirited competition to see who could mention former president Ronald Reagan's name the most. Former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney (whose last name in French means Kerry) walked away with the honors, invoking the late president's name on five separate occasions. Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee was second, mentioning Reagan's name three times, while John McCain and Rudy Guiliani each mentioned his name twice. Ron Paul, the maverick candidate running on an anti-war platform, was the lone candidate not to mention Reagan's name at all - but he did pay homage to the late Ray Walston, former star of TV's My Favorite Martian...

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Newly Designated Historical District Not Known For Anything in Particular

2007-10-16T08:34:00.000-07:00

Main Street in downtown Garrettville, Illinois was recently designated a historical district by the Historical Designation Society of America. The town of approximately 7,000 people proudly held a ceremony last weekend for the official posting of the street sign proclaiming their new status. However, there are serious questions being raised about the validity of this new honor, and these questions appear to be legitimate. In walking up and down Main Street repeatedly, it is simply hard to draw the conclusion that there is anything historical at all about the district. In fact, it looks like just another hick town in Anywhere, USA, with the exception of a couple of lame antique shops and a coffee house that sells stale pastries. In fact, if you stop at the town's Chamber of Commerce for a brochure about the area, you'll find that there's really nothing to do there at all. In fact, I was so bored after an hour that I stopped in the local liquor store, stocked up on a couple of fifths of Jim Beam, and got seriously FACED!!! I woke up the next morning in a little alleyway behind the local market, and I was STILL bored!!!! The bottom line is: THIS TOWN SUCKS AND I'M NEVER GOING BACK...

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Dalai Lama Obtains Restraining Order Against Richard Gere

2007-10-16T08:19:00.000-07:00

Here is the official statement from His Spiritualness Himself, the Dalai Lama:

"It is with a very heavy heart that I inform you that I have applied for and have been granted a restraining order on one Richard Gere of Los Angeles, California. As the world knows, I have grown close with Richard over the past several years, and consider him to be a well-intentioned, good-hearted person. His karma is definitely in the right place. However, Richard just doesn't seem to understand that even the Dalai Lama needs a little space from time to time... I have traveled from mountain top to mountain top in seek of a little solitude in order to pray and seek a higher state of consciousness. But it seems like every mountain top I visit, there's old Richard sitting Indian-style, eyes closed, hands outstretched to the side, as if he's trying to catch the breeze in his hands. Of course, when he sees me, he leaps to his feet and runs over to me, rubbing my bald scalp and tugging at my cloth. It's FREAKING ANNOYING, DAMN IT!!! Get a FREAKING GRIP, would ya, Richard? You're a FREAKING ACTOR, for chris'sakes! Don't you have anything BETTER to do than to bug a little old bald man who doesn't even speak your FREAKING LANGUAGE??? Why don't you channel some of that energy into making BETTER MOVIES, for crying out loud!!! How about a "Mr. Goodbar" sequel or something? Geez, oh mighty, how do you expect to find any ENLIGHTENMENT when you're always KISSING UP TO ME???!!!! And don't get me started on all those GAY RUMORS.... Just BACK OFF, will you???!!!

Sincerely,

The Dalai Lama Himself

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Senator Larry Craig to Star in the Opening to "My Three Sons"

2007-10-04T14:12:00.000-07:00

What if Sen. Larry Craig - he of bathroom stall fame - resigned from the Senate and then went into show business to appear in the opening to "My Three Sons," a remake of the old Fred MacMurray sitcom? Can't you see it? The film opens with with two animated pairs of feet, standing stationary, and then suddenly Craig's big size 12's enter the frame accompanied by the old show's familiar theme song... Da da da daaaaa... da da da daaaaa... At that point, Craig's feet start tapping to the music. Soon, his foot begins to nudge over closer to one of the other pairs of feet. Before long, Craig's foot starts tapping against the other foot... Ah, it's times like these I wish I were a cartoonist...

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Fat Researcher Questions Existence of Obesity Epidemic

2007-10-04T14:01:00.000-07:00

Don't you love it when a porky-looking scientist talks ominously about the "growing" problem of obesity in the U.S.?

"Obesity in this country is reaching epidemic proportions," said Dr. Heath Barr of the UCLA School of Public Health as he struggled to swallow the Twinkie lodged inside his mouth.

But even more comical is the chubby researcher who questions the very existence of the problem:

"While no one is suggesting that it is good to be fat, there are indications that a little bit of excess weight is not going to harm anyone," said James Lard, a leading obesity researcher at Tulane University, who was spotted wheezing as he struggled to climb the half flight of stairs leading from his office to the nearest vending machine.

What's next, the scrawny, shriveled-looking professor who coughs up phlegm while preaching about the perils of smoking?

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Senate to Debate Merits of Oprah's Latest Book of the Month

2007-10-04T13:43:00.000-07:00

In a burst of legislative productivity not seen since the days of the Great Depression, the U.S. Senate today convened an emergency session to debate the merits of daytime talk show queen Oprah Winfrey's latest Book of the Month, Silhouettes, the tome about a young girl, Ariana, who discovers her mother's diary in the attic after her death and is stunned to learn that Mom wasn't happy at times. Dabbing his eyes repeatedly during his big moment on the Senate floor, Sen. Arlen Spector (R-Pa) said, "Ariana's story has touched a nerve in all of us," and then quickly earmarked several million dollars for a new Borders to be constructed in Allentown. Spector was followed onto the Senate floor by Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nv), whose hands actually trembled as he talked about the book. "Moving," he said repeatedly in his patented whimpy, uninspiring voice. "Simply moving..."

The great citizens of America look forward to more legislative brilliance next week, when our distinguished Senators will wade into more controversial territory: a dispute between a truck driver, his lesbian ex-wife, and their babysitter, which aired recently on The Maury Povich Show...

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Bay City Mayor Declares: "There Are No Homosexuals in San Francisco!"

2007-09-26T13:47:00.000-07:00

Following the lead of the esteemed Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom held a press conference today at City Hall in which he declared, "There are no homosexuals in San Francisco!" a statement that was met with even more laughter than what greeted Ahmadinejad's farcical performance at Columbia University last Monday. Though the "City by the Bay" has long been reported to have a homosexual population of close to 20 percent, Newsom disputed that by saying, "Perhaps at one time there were (homosexuals) in San Francisco, but by the late 90's they all migrated to Butte (Montana) on the news that the name of the town had been mispronounced all these years..."

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"Marcia, Marcia, Marcia... Oh Marcia...."

2007-09-24T12:10:00.000-07:00

OK, let's just assume that it's true. Let's assume that Maureen McCormick (a.k., Marcia Brady) did indeed have a lesbian affair with Eve Plumb (a.k., Jan Brady). What does it tell you about this woman who sat on this (er, uh, poor choice of words...) all these years without saying a word and now, thirty something years later, in an effort to sell a few books, she comes out and reveals that her and Jan did a little rug munching back in the day... Now poor Jan has to answer all these questions - from her family, from her friends, from reporters - about something that is nobody's business. I mean, this truly is reprehensible on Marcia's part.... OK, there. I'm over the indignation. Now I want to see the photos...

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General Petraeus or Amadeus?

2007-09-24T10:37:00.000-07:00

So let's just say that MoveOn.org had chosen a different rhyme to use in their infamous NY Times ad taking Gen. David Petraeus to task for his report on Iraq. What if, instead of rhyming "Petraeus" with "betray us," they rhymed him with "Amadeus," as in Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, one of the greatest musical composers of all time. Would we even be discussing what kind of advertising rate the Times gave MoveOn? No - we'd be debating more critical matters, such as which was the better work, Nozze di Figaro or Don Giovanni. Or we'd be discussing the true merits of perhaps Amadeus's most familiar composition, Eine kleine Nachtmusik. And of course we'd be discussing whether or not Amadeus died of syphillis as reported and - most importantly - how he contracted the disease...

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