Obama Beats Out Homer Simpson for Nobel Peace Prize

The Simpsons star Homer Simpson didn't try to mask his disappointment at being edged out for the Nobel Peace Prize by U.S. President Barack Obama. "That's what you get for working at a nuclear power plant," groused Homer as he watched Obama on television, accepting bouquets of flowers and giant fig leaf arrangements from adoring media zombies and world leaders across the globe. "A working class guy gets no respect," Homer sighed, and then resolved to someday get even with the president. "OK, if that's how he wants it, than we'll see him in 2012!" declared Homer. "If a guy like him can win the Nobel Prize after a week and a half on the job, then I sure as hell can become the next president! After all, who would you rather have as leader of the free world, a guy who won some sissy Nobel Peace Prize or an under-educated blue collar guy like me who can still figure out that you can't give 40 million more people health insurance without raising a ton of taxes or taking away insurance from others..."

Record Number of Atheists Gather in Church To Mourn Kennedy

Observations on the passing of Ted Kennedy... Wow! I've never seen so many people who don't believe in God gathered in a church before... Oh - that's right, President Obama was there to deliver the eulogy... I don't know, my two cents worth is that Kennedy was certainly worth saluting. Forget about his anachronistic politics - anybody who survived 46 years in Congress deserves a tip of the hat... and certainly it's worth noting that this is the last flicker of the whole Camelot era, so to a degree I do get the media going bonkers over his death... But that Chappaquiddick thing is another matter... If the afterlife means your tab finally comes due, I'd say Teddy is probably already washing dishes.... Only a dishonest person could not conclude that he was guilty of vehicular homicide, and yet did not even spend an hour behind bars... Now that's F'd up. Had he spent even a few weeks or months behind bars, I think the whole incident would've ultimately wound up like water under the bridge -er, oops, uh, poor choice of words... The fact that Teddy went on to throw a hissy fit when Nixon was pardoned for covering up a burglary added a few additional "zeroes" to his tab... Speaking of paying up: I've always wondered how many "Benjamins" the Kennedys paid the Kopechnes not to talk about the incident... All to preserve a f-ing political career... Amazing....

In Major Policy Shift, U.S. Will Now Negotiate With Centaurs

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? Check. Hugo Chavez? Check. Mythical Greek man-horse? Double check! Yes, it really is a new era in America diplomacy as the Obama administration has announced plans to re-open dialogue with its long time antagonist, the centaur.... OK, OK, so it's not really a centaur in the picture on the left... it's Vladimir Putin riding a horse without a shirt on... And OK, OK, we airbrushed out the horse's head... But it was for the horse's own good. After all, that guy in South Carolina is now out on bail... You know -- the guy who kept visiting that stable late at night before finally being caught in the act (By the way, is it not the height of irony that a man who likes to do it with a horse has to visit a place called a stable in order to get his action??? But I digress...)...

Boy George "Deeply Grateful" To Judge Who Sent Him To Jail

Singer Boy George expressed his "deep gratitude" yesterday to New York City Circuit Judge Judy Jones for sending him to jail and said he was "excited" to begin serving his 60-day sentence in his "minimum security" cell at Attica State Penitentiary. . "It's every boy's dream," gushed the singer, whose hit songs with Culture Club included Do You Really Want To Hurt Me (answer: Yes), Karma Chameleon, and the unforgettable dance tune I'd Bend Over Backwards 4 U. "To do time in a cell full of violent, muscular criminals is a wish come true," said George, who added that he plans on "doing" more than just time during his jail stay. George did not seem upset that Attica prison officials will not let him don his trademark mascara and lipstick while behind bars. "Prison is the great equalizer," said George. "I know that I don't need to look pretty here. In fact, I'm not even planning on shaving." George will be allowed visitors during his stay, and already Massachusetts Congressman Barney Frank has made arrangements to stop by...

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Obama Summons Chief Justice Roberts Back Again; "Two Out of Three!"

President Barack Obama apparently wants a rubber match with Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts. After Roberts decisively won their first swearing-in match on Inauguration Day by totally pummeling Obama with a downright dyslexic recitation of the oath of office, Obama rallied the next day with a smooth victory at the second swearing in, evening the season series at 1-1. Now Obama wants to settle the score once and for all, and has summoned Roberts back to the White House for a third and series-deciding swearing-in. But the 44th president may want to be careful what he wishes for; reports out of the Roberts camp say the Chief Justice has been training tenaciously, and is planning to stun Obama with a dizzying flurry of pig latin at their next swearing-in match...

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Alec Baldwin: "America Suddenly A Great Country Again"

Count thespian Alec Baldwin among those feeling invigorated by Barack Obama's inauguration as the nation's 44th president. "It was a strange feeling, loathing my country for eight years and then suddenly loving it again," said Baldwin. "It's amazing how, just by the simple act of swapping politicians, this nation of 300 million people can go from being the scourge of the entire world to being a beacon of hope again." Baldwin claims he is now so bullish on America that he has put both his house in Vancouver and his bungalow in France for sale in light of Obama's inauguration, saying he's ecstatic to finally be "coming home." Baldwin was concilatory in other ways as well, even promising to never call his 12-year-old daughter a "selfish little pig" any more...

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Payless Shoe Store The Future Site For Bush Presidential Library

A spokeswoman for Payless Shoes announced today that the Payless store in Midland, TX will be the future home of the George W. Bush presidential library. The spokeswoman, Anita Scholls, said construction will begin shortly after Bush leaves office next month and that the library will be completed by early 2010. Scholls emphasized that the entire store will not be dedicated to the Bush library, but instead a single aisle which currently features clearance items for big and tall men and also for dwarfs.

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