Boy George "Deeply Grateful" To Judge Who Sent Him To Jail

Singer Boy George expressed his "deep gratitude" yesterday to New York City Circuit Judge Judy Jones for sending him to jail and said he was "excited" to begin serving his 60-day sentence in his "minimum security" cell at Attica State Penitentiary. . "It's every boy's dream," gushed the singer, whose hit songs with Culture Club included Do You Really Want To Hurt Me (answer: Yes), Karma Chameleon, and the unforgettable dance tune I'd Bend Over Backwards 4 U. "To do time in a cell full of violent, muscular criminals is a wish come true," said George, who added that he plans on "doing" more than just time during his jail stay. George did not seem upset that Attica prison officials will not let him don his trademark mascara and lipstick while behind bars. "Prison is the great equalizer," said George. "I know that I don't need to look pretty here. In fact, I'm not even planning on shaving." George will be allowed visitors during his stay, and already Massachusetts Congressman Barney Frank has made arrangements to stop by...

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Obama Summons Chief Justice Roberts Back Again; "Two Out of Three!"

President Barack Obama apparently wants a rubber match with Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts. After Roberts decisively won their first swearing-in match on Inauguration Day by totally pummeling Obama with a downright dyslexic recitation of the oath of office, Obama rallied the next day with a smooth victory at the second swearing in, evening the season series at 1-1. Now Obama wants to settle the score once and for all, and has summoned Roberts back to the White House for a third and series-deciding swearing-in. But the 44th president may want to be careful what he wishes for; reports out of the Roberts camp say the Chief Justice has been training tenaciously, and is planning to stun Obama with a dizzying flurry of pig latin at their next swearing-in match...

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Alec Baldwin: "America Suddenly A Great Country Again"

Count thespian Alec Baldwin among those feeling invigorated by Barack Obama's inauguration as the nation's 44th president. "It was a strange feeling, loathing my country for eight years and then suddenly loving it again," said Baldwin. "It's amazing how, just by the simple act of swapping politicians, this nation of 300 million people can go from being the scourge of the entire world to being a beacon of hope again." Baldwin claims he is now so bullish on America that he has put both his house in Vancouver and his bungalow in France for sale in light of Obama's inauguration, saying he's ecstatic to finally be "coming home." Baldwin was concilatory in other ways as well, even promising to never call his 12-year-old daughter a "selfish little pig" any more...

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Payless Shoe Store The Future Site For Bush Presidential Library

A spokeswoman for Payless Shoes announced today that the Payless store in Midland, TX will be the future home of the George W. Bush presidential library. The spokeswoman, Anita Scholls, said construction will begin shortly after Bush leaves office next month and that the library will be completed by early 2010. Scholls emphasized that the entire store will not be dedicated to the Bush library, but instead a single aisle which currently features clearance items for big and tall men and also for dwarfs.

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Man Who Threw Shoe at Bush Says He "Missed It By That Much"

The Iraqi man who made global headlines by throwing two shoes at President Bush during a recent press conference in Baghdad has now issued a statement about the incident. "Missed it by that much..." said the man, who now goes exclusively by the name "Agent 86." The man also said that CHAOS operatives continue to lurk among the general population in Iraq, but that they are easy to spot because they all travel about in their stocking feet...

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Hot-Selling Holiday Condom Named After Illinois Gov: Wii Fit

Life isn't all bad for Rod Blagojevich. The embattled Illinois Governor has a new condom named after him: Wii Fit. The prophylactic has been flying off the shelves in stores all across America this holiday season, making it the top-selling condom of all time. Bruce Sizemore, an analyst with a marketing research firm in Chicago, says the mega sales of Wii Fit: The Condom has been nothing short of phenomenal. "We're learning more about penis size every day," said Sizemore, excitedly. "And, despite his legal troubles, we owe it to the Governor of Illinois for having the courage to step forward and become the public face of little dicks all across the country..."

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Colin Powell Spotted Putting Obama Bumper Sticker on Car - AFTER Election

Back during the first Gulf War in 1991, Colin Powell exploded onto the national scene with his stirring, methodical summation of how the U.S. army was going to hunt down Iraqi forces and vanquish them, earning him such a reputation as a strong leader that he quickly became a presidential frontrunner for a chattering class looking for a new political star. The clamor for Powell for President reached a crescendo in 1995-1996, when he "came out of the closet" and announced he was a Republican, saying he had abandoned the Democratic Party because they were "bankrupt of new ideas." Virtually every poll conducted during that time period showed Powell convincingly beating Bill Clinton in a hypothetical matchup. And Powell parsed his words carefully when asked if he planned to run, saying he was "undecided." Finally, however, Powell meekly announced that "he didn't have the fire in his belly" for a presidential run, and receded into the public speaking circuit for a few years. Then, after becoming President George W. Bush's Secretary of State, he put forth a stirring, convincing performance at the United Nations Assembly about the need to remove Saddam Hussein from power, arguing that very credible intelligence showed Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. But when it ultimately became clear that the "very credible intelligence" was, er, wrong, Powell sheepishly became a regular on the television talk show circuit, arguing that "he never wanted to go to war in Iraq in the first place." Now, on the heels of his bold endorsement of Barack Obama - which came just a week before the election when most polls were showing Obama with an insurmountable lead over John McCain - Powell has topped even himself. The morning after the election, Powell marched boldly down to his car and confidently affixed an "Obama" bumper sticker to his rear bumper, and proceeded to drive off to the nearest Washington cocktail party...