Obama Says He Was "Asleep" During Rev. Wright's Sermons

Democratic presidential frontrunner Barack Obama is distancing himself further from the incendiary rhetoric of his pastor of 20 years, the Rev. Jeremiah Wright. Obama, somewhat sheepishly, admitted that every time he attends church, he falls asleep during the sermons - no matter who is delivering them. "I'm ashamed to admit that, yes, I tend to snooze during the sermon," said Obama, adding, "Particularly during sermons where the preacher is accusing the United States government of intentionally infecting an entire population with the AIDS virus... or when the preacher says that the murder of 3,000 civilians on 9/11 was justified... I mean, BOR-INGGGGG!!!"

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D.C. Labor Group Slams Spitzer for "Outsourcing" Hookers

The firestorm surrounding disgraced former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer is now drawing the wrath of labor groups around the country as well. The District of Columbia Street Walkers Union (DCSWU) issued a statement condemning Spitzer's alleged hiring of a New York City call girl to escort him to Washington last month as a prime example of "outsourcing" of jobs. DCSWU president Hugh G. Rection said in the statement, "We've already seen the permanent damage that 'free trade' agreements like NAFTA have done to American workers. Now it appears that some are taking that next step and invoking hiring practices that will damage their neighboring states and cities. DCSWU would like to ask the Governor a simple question: what's wrong with D.C. hookers? By hiring a New York call girl and bringing her with him to our city - and paying her thousands of dollars in the process - he has deprived a call girl in Washington of the same opportunity. This act committed by Gov. Spitzer and others like him is simply anti-worker, anti-Washington D.C., and - hopefully - anti-bacterial...

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Former First Lady Clinton Says She'll Be "Ready on Day One" To Host Lunches

Former First Lady and former Democratic presidential frontrunner Hillary Rodham Clinton continues to advance the notion that she, and not Democratic rival Barack Obama, will be "ready to lead on Day One," and cites her "35 years of experience" as proof to back up her claims. And let's face it: the evidence is pretty compelling. Given her eight years of experience in the White House, who else could possibly be ready on Day One to host a White House lunch?

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Obama Woos Crowd With Kick-Ass Rendition of "Love Me Tender"

Surging Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama tantalized his audience in a sell-out performance in Dallas last night, when he took the stage with his Epiphone acoustic guitar and played a kick-ass version of "Love Me Tender." Women of all races and age groups swooned and fainted as Obama crooned the magical words, "...all my dreams fulfilled..." Large portions of "metrosexual" males in the crowd fanned themselves and shook their heads in wonder - and a few of them even fainted as well. When the song's final strains resonated through the ampitheater, the crowd of nearly 20,000 burst into a thunderous ovation, and most of them proceeded to take out their cigarette lighters as Obama left the stage, waving and shouting out what sounded to on-lookers like, "Hope!" or "Change!" or "Yes we can!"... A few minutes later, after the ovation reached a jet plane-like crescendo, Obama returned to the stage and played "Suspicious Minds" on the hamer dulcimer before being escorted by his entourage off-stage and into his awaiting limo... Tickets to Obama's show tonight in Houston reportedly sold out in less than an hour, and when asked if Obama was planning to add any more Texas dates to his schedule, a campaign staffer simply said, "Hope... so."

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Hillary Down - But Ruby Slippers Still Visible

Well, the twister known as Obama has hit Hillary Clinton's campaign headquarters with a vengance, lifting the building high into the air and dropping it on the presidential candidate herself. While the former Democratic frontrunner does not appear to be moving, it has been noted that the ruby slippers she took with her when she checked out of the White House back in January 2001 are still securely on her feet, meaning that Obama's motorcade may accidentally find its way off that cliff yet...

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Down To His Last Gasp, Huckabee Considering Sawyer As Running Mate

Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee, in a last-ditch attempt to wrest the Republican presidential nomination from Arizona Sen. John McCain, has announced that he will name former RAFT captain Tom Sawyer (R-Miss) as his running mate. It has long been speculated in political circles that Sawyer would make a perfect running mate for Huckabee, but nagging rumors about Sawyer's relationship with a Missouri lobbyist, Becky Thatcher, apparently have made Huckabee reluctant to embrace the charismatic former skipper of the RAFT team. However, Huckabee's campaign staff have conducted several interviews with both Sawyer and Thatcher, and have determined that, while Ms. Thatcher may have gone down on Sawyer once or twice, the relationship otherwise was fairly platonic... In a statement to reporters, Sawyer said, "If selected, I would be honored to serve with Mike Huckabee, and together we would lead a more determined effort to battle terrorism, by sending forces into the tribal regions along the Afghanistan-Pakistan border to find the most notorious criminal in the world... Injun Joe..."

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McCain Finally Gets Permission For Campaign Song: The Music From Cialis TV Spot

Well, Sen. John McCain, the presumptive Republican presidential nominee, has finally gotten permission to use a popular tune as his official campaign song. In recent months, McCain has been publicly slapped down by John Mellancamp (formerly known as John Cougar Mellancamp and before that, John Cougar, and before that, The Artist Known As John Cougar) for using "Pink Houses" and "My Country" in campaign appearances. Then, McCain was shunned by the 70's Swedish dance group ABBA when he tried to use their song "Take A Chance" as his campaign song (Question of the Day: Shouldn't the likes of ABBA be GRATEFUL that ANYONE wants to even LISTEN to their anachronistic, disco ball-spinning, leisure suit-wearing, mullet hairdo-wearing CRAP, let alone USE IT AS THEIR CAMPAIGN SONG???). At any rate, after being rejected by ABBA, the McCain camp was grasping at straws. Some close to the Senator said they didn't need a campaign song.... Penny-pinchers within the campaign thought they should try to hire the (now grown) children who were once conned into singing the backing vocals to the Pink Floyd classic "Another Brick in the Wall" for free... Another line of thought was that they should play it safe and simply cough up the licensing fee to use Pat Boone's version of "Tutti Fruiti." But now, in the wake of the New York Times story hinting at a potential sex scandal involving McCain, a perfect campaign song has emerged: the theme music from the Cialis TV commercial. (CUE MUSIC: Funky guitar riff... ANNOUNCER: When you're in the mood to run for president, and the time is not quite right, try Cialis... Because with Cialis, you can wait until you're 72 years old to run for president...)'

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