Bay City Mayor Declares: "There Are No Homosexuals in San Francisco!"

Following the lead of the esteemed Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom held a press conference today at City Hall in which he declared, "There are no homosexuals in San Francisco!" a statement that was met with even more laughter than what greeted Ahmadinejad's farcical performance at Columbia University last Monday. Though the "City by the Bay" has long been reported to have a homosexual population of close to 20 percent, Newsom disputed that by saying, "Perhaps at one time there were (homosexuals) in San Francisco, but by the late 90's they all migrated to Butte (Montana) on the news that the name of the town had been mispronounced all these years..."

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"Marcia, Marcia, Marcia... Oh Marcia...."

OK, let's just assume that it's true. Let's assume that Maureen McCormick (a.k., Marcia Brady) did indeed have a lesbian affair with Eve Plumb (a.k., Jan Brady). What does it tell you about this woman who sat on this (er, uh, poor choice of words...) all these years without saying a word and now, thirty something years later, in an effort to sell a few books, she comes out and reveals that her and Jan did a little rug munching back in the day... Now poor Jan has to answer all these questions - from her family, from her friends, from reporters - about something that is nobody's business. I mean, this truly is reprehensible on Marcia's part.... OK, there. I'm over the indignation. Now I want to see the photos...

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General Petraeus or Amadeus?

So let's just say that MoveOn.org had chosen a different rhyme to use in their infamous NY Times ad taking Gen. David Petraeus to task for his report on Iraq. What if, instead of rhyming "Petraeus" with "betray us," they rhymed him with "Amadeus," as in Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, one of the greatest musical composers of all time. Would we even be discussing what kind of advertising rate the Times gave MoveOn? No - we'd be debating more critical matters, such as which was the better work, Nozze di Figaro or Don Giovanni. Or we'd be discussing the true merits of perhaps Amadeus's most familiar composition, Eine kleine Nachtmusik. And of course we'd be discussing whether or not Amadeus died of syphillis as reported and - most importantly - how he contracted the disease...

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