It's Still Not Over

Barack Obama has reached the magical number of delegates needed to become the Democratic nominee for president. Hillary Clinton has said she will concede the nomination. But it's still not over. It will never be over, at least as long as people like Dr. Joseph E. Tuck are around. Tuck, for those not familiar with his name, is one of the leading plastic surgeons in Beverly Hills, and sources close to the Clinton campaign have said that Hillary Clinton has met on at least two occasions with Tuck in recent days, exploring the possibility of undergoing an incredible transformational procedure that will throw even more confusion into the Democratic nomination process. Obama aides are openly nervous about the nature of the discussions between Clinton and Tuck, and worry that they may be planning something on a scale of such magnitude that the entire Democratic National Convention held later in the summer in Denver will be thrown into a state of unprecedented turmoil...

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Bill Clinton Loses All Tunes on iPod Except One: "Glory Days"

Former President Bill Clinton, already troubled by his plummeting reputation due to his erratic behavior out on the campaign trail, now has another problem: he inadvertently erased all the songs on his iPod except for one: Glory Days by Bruce Springsteen... When asked how he could be so careless as to lose over 1,000 songs he had compiled on the device, Clinton's face turned purple-red and he wagged his finger angrily at the questioner. "See, this is exactly the reason why Hillary isn't the nominee," he snarled. "You guys are too focused on what's on my iPod instead of the real issues, like who's gonna reform health care, social security, implement a sound energy policy that conserves energy while at the same time encourages development of new sources of energy, creates a tax code that is fair to working Americans, and of course, how many hot interns Hillary might have in the White House should she be president..."

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Space Station Astronaut Regrets Visit to Taco Bell Prior to Launch

The plumbing problems onboard the international space station have caused great remorse for a member of the crew, Colin Splatterby, who radioed in to Houston early in the week to express his "deep regret" for visiting Taco Bell just prior to the launch last weekend. His startled fellow astronauts, upon hearing this, immediately stepped up their efforts to get the broken toilet fixed, and reports now say that the latrine is back up and working. But now the crew has a different problem: they just ran out of Glade...

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