Federal prosecutors have named comedienne Ellen DeGeneres as a "person of interest" in their investigation of an alleged dog crying ring, our sources have learned. The alleged ring, which has drawn the interest of animal rights activists across the country, centers around a scheme in which dog owners appear in home-made videos alongside their pets. Suddenly, and without provocation, the dog owners begin blubbering hysterically into the camera. Many of the videos have been subsequently dubbed onto VHS and taken in secret to several local Blockbuster stores, where they are slipped onto the shelves in the Purgatory section located at the far remote corner of the store, right next to the one unrented copy of DeGeneres' debut film Mr. Wrong... Lead prosecutor Michelle Vick says it's too premature to say DeGeneres will be charged with any crime, but says the comic may have to be detained anyway just to get her to "stop slobbering all over the place because of her stupid dog..."
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